Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Funny how things work. When I left my job I made a few deadlines for myself and put them on my calendar. The first was when I wanted to be finished with things that needed immediate attention like the dentist and the mechanic, I was going to get it all out of the way in the first week so that I could then move on to relaxing. What I referred to as my "unemployment honeymoon" during which the only rule was to not worry about or try to decide what I would do next. It sort of worked out a little as I did get a lot done that first week.
But the second week I got really sick -which isn't very good for a honeymoon, and the things that need immediate attention (Hello, City of Pasadena Parking contacting me for the first time three years after the ticket was issued!) keep coming up. So here I am crossing the honeymoon deadline into the "let's get down to business" period (aka: the rest of my life) and I'm already in the next sub-phase, which is "feeling concerned about why I haven't already lined up three jobs and turned down two while still trying to keep a calm, rational position about the whole thing". That's a big one and I don't want to get there too soon and definitely not yet.
I'm already cracking into my "last resort" options and reminding myself not to get trapped in the comfort of something that doesn't make me happy. Notice I didn't say "something that makes me unhappy", I'm specifying that I have decided to be that particular. It has to make me happy, doesn't have to be my whole life but it does have to make me happy. It's the only way to live. (Typo was: "only way to love", which is also true.)
Fortunately I saw that there was some Mercury/Neptune thing happening today which often does mean I feel deluded in a bad way: things that are good for me seem to fail or disappear, things that are bad really stand out suddenly. Fortunately, Neptune leaves Aquarius really soon now and here's the promise that's been made to me: all the fog is gone and it's stripped away everything that is dead and leaves only the gold. Isn't that a beautiful promise? I can't f*cking wait.
Ultimately, I am simply reengineering my plan as I go along because unless you can see the future, plans must be flexible. And I'm learning that even living pretty low key can take a lot of effort the more self reliant you are. It's just another adjustment.
Fortunately I also got a free sample reading by the amazing Denise Dee today which sounded so crazily dead on but bizarre, and totally my life and, somewhat unfortunately, produces a vision in my head that is so washed out by bright light that I can't see the details -much like a few dreams I've had recently. Leaving me now on the fence between feeling sooo much better and feeling a little overwhelmed by the uncertainty. It's been one of those days.   

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