Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I really want to read all about what the astrologers are writing about the first exact Pluto Uranus square yesterday now that it's passed but it's still all stuff from before it happened AND it's making me feel a little weird. 
In my experience, the interpretations of aspects change a little once they passed. There's a shift in perspective, the experience itself. Prior to the experience they're writing about comparisons to history and previous experiences that may have been similar or personal. It all changes.
I know that I've finally pinpointed a few things in terms of perspective and stuff. I've kind of figured out more of what it is I've been working on, where it's headed and how it's going for me. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Last night I had a dream of a climbing journey to get home. I found one of my neighbors at the bottom of a flight of stairs like the ones that do climb the hill to the street I live on but in the dream they were steeper. As I was climbing the steps ahead of me were very close to my face, almost as if they were a ladder leaned against the side of the building. I clung to the railing equally pulling myself up and climbing with my legs. At the top of the stairway I found myself on the side of a very tall mountain with a ledge/path around the side of it. While the stairway had been lush on both sides and seemingly enclosed this path was completely exposed on one side and very, very high up. I stayed down close to the ground and the neighbor I was with reminded me of a few of my old guy friends from teenage years, mellow and just there to be a good companion. Supportive but not pushy. I told him the height was hard for me, I had vertigo and I was scared that maybe I couldn't make it all the way to my house. I  felt like I knew the way and knew it was waiting there for me somewhere but it didn't feel like a familiar route though it seemed to be the only route. He said it was ok, we'd take a break and that he had some pot and that would make me feel braver (which does sound like one or two of those old guy friends). We paused on the ledge path and he showed me the safest place to sit. I knew I'd be ok, I knew I'd make it, I was just at that scary spot. It was a good feeling dream.
Today is the first Pluto Uranus square of a series which will happen over the course of the next few years. I know it's a big deal, I know it's going to make something happen but I don't really know what it is yet. There are a lot of things happening in my life right now that would have once been terrifying to me. It's an interesting time. But I'm dealing and I'm getting greater and braver. These are, in fact, the kinds of times I wish for when I'm bored and nothing has changed in too long. I guess we'll see what really happens and whether or not it feels particularly difficult or if I really notice it much at all. Sometimes we're so open and ready that changes are easy, they happen smoothly.

Monday, June 18, 2012

There are all kinds of jobs in the world -when you really think about it. I just came to this conclusion after starting here: It seems like everything we do in this world is about finding a way to sell something to others. Seems like in the U.S. at least, we're just one big huge retail store. I was just thinking about all the projects the city is doing in my neighborhood lately: fixing up the park and the lake, widening streets. I realized that no matter how inconvenient, this is one of the things we do actually need done -repair to our wider personal environment. The streets need to be in good shape to drive on them safely, the parks are an amenity AND a necessity to it's best to keep them in good shape, too. And, when I think of the economy, all of this work requires labor which provides income for families. And since what we need, apparently, is people working and making money this is a good thing.
I started to think of the other ways I see the economy being created around me: companies building new townhouses to sell to the people who have jobs because they're working. This is where I started to get disappointed because I realized that this process spirals down all the way to the 99cents store. You know? On some level or another we've made everything into a price tag and many have lost touch with nature entirely (that's a whole other thought process I was doing today -how distant many people are from nature and how different a place the world would be if that weren't so- I personally find it an even more interesting topic but this is what I started). That if there were more jobs that were about understanding nature and preserving it we wouldn't be in such a mess to begin with. I started thinking about the differences in qualifications for the different jobs: city worker, builder, oceanographer, environmental impact, erh, person. Education.
The only thing that's offered free to us in our whole lives, funded by the government is public school until we're 18.
After that the government shoves us out into the world to be an adult. Everything costs money including extending your education. You arrive at a certain young age and suddenly a whole bunch of laws change allowing you to do many grown up things requiring a lot of decision making. What a stupid cluster of events to happen at the same time. Maybe it's just  me but that could potentially be kind of... flooding.
Anyway, I can go on like this but maybe you get the picture. Basically I'm just trying to see myself what an insane revolution we're in for if everybody goes back to using local markets, local farms, bicycles, etc. What if "people" put significantly more money into education. The kind of money that would enable us to train and afford really amazing teachers. And the kind that would enable to people to acquire more education for a lot less or free. Imagine what people would discover about themselves and become. Imagine the diversity of jobs. Imagine the social classes melting together..... Imagine everyone having enough of all that they need. Imagine the balance. Imagine how much we would all love each other if we didn't have all these lines of demarcation.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The day after I passed my test I realized that even though I'd felt it was a given I still felt a lot of satisfaction at having gotten through school and the exam. I started trying to think of other things that I wanted to accomplish but the only thing that really came to mind is the promise I made to myself that once I was working I really wanted to start planning for a trip as I haven't really traveled much in recent years. But that's not really the same thing.
The other day as I was heading home from the exam I passed a scooter dealership. For the last couple years, and especially the last year, I've been perusing ads for used mopeds because it just sounds like a fun way to get around. I've never gotten much further than that, partly because at some point I go through this thought process, "A moped seems safer than a bicycle, so a motorcycle (or a scooter) seems like it would be safer than a moped. So I should really just get a motorcycle (or a scooter)."Then I start researching the motorcycle safety class and then I put the whole thing on hold because anything but a moped is a considerable investment.
So when I saw all the shiny new scooters the other day I thought, "This is the present I want for getting my cosmetology license."
This evening I went on the DMV website to see what you needed to do to get a motorcycle license and read through the handbook a bit which was horrifying. The entire thing is an illustrated guide to all the ways that you are invisible and at peril. Add to that I'm living in Los Angeles which is home to some of the most self absorbed drivers and it got me thinking a second time. But that's almost my favorite thing. To find something that starts to scare me a little bit and learn how to get over it. Getting over fear is just learning how to become stronger and I love to be strong and fearless. So I think this is my next goal: to get my motorcycle license.
I've never been known for my patience and that's why I'm going to look at a new house this afternoon. Even though I haven't quite started at my new job (hopefully this week, I'll find out on Tuesday for sure), even though if I wait until my current place changes ownership I could receive a very healthy relocation fee, even though I already drove by this place yesterday and it's not exactly what I think I want (only because the front yard is soooo small that it's basically right on the street and because it's only one bedroom and I want two). But it's got a washer and dryer and a FIREPLACE!!!! And it's on a street that is basically like a pocket -all dead ends- and it's right near the very end, so it's pretty secluded from traffic and such. And it does have a "breakfast nook" which could easily double as a space to sew and make jewelry and such -which is what I would use a second bedroom for. So a big part of me is really excited about it. Oh, and it's a little craftsman style bungalow with lot's of nice wood trim and built in cabinets and big windows so in that way it's exactly what I love. Anyway! I'm really excited about it even though at this point in my long stretch of unemployment I have no money saved to move and I honestly wonder what landlord wants to see that I haven't worked in the last year (even thought I'm about to start again)... But I can't help myself, I have to go look and if it's meant to be then it will somehow all work out really easily and if it's not meant to be then something even better will turn up when I'm actually ready to move. And that is what I have to remember: when something doesn't work out it means there's always something better.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Well I passed my exam the other day and am now a licensed cosmetologist. I've also got a chair with my name on it (metaphorically, ofcourse) waiting for me at a salon I love which means that this whole stretch of unemployment and re-creation is coming to a close.
Whether or not it's having put the test behind me and knowing that things are nearly settled up ahead, I've felt a huge shift in the last couple weeks. I also attribute it to the energy cleanse I did as prescribed by the... hmm, I don't know what she is... best guess by her methods is Santeria priestess? Anyway, I visited her a few weeks ago as she had made some predictions for me a couple years back that seemed really, nearly impossible to me at the time but which have been steadily unfolding in my life since.
Anyway, on this visit I just wanted to see what she might tell me as sort of reassurance that I had in fact been making the choices that were right for me rather than simply doing the only things I could think of -when things are easy it makes me wonder if I was supposed to have done something else. This was before I again realized that life is supposed to be easy (most times) and that when I'm doing what's right for me opportunities come without seemingly insurmountable challenges. I figured that if I there was anything amiss (maybe this whole hair thing wasn't really the right career? maybe the job I had asked for and been given wasn't at the right place?) I was happy to hear that her predictions for my near future were the same ones she'd predicted (minus all the things that have already happened) the last time I saw her, and this time I accepted the prescription she offered me and I tell you I've felt a huge shift in my energy and seen a huge difference in who and what comes through my world.
I also realized, with all the talk about the recent Venus transit of the Sun, that what was going on for me 8 years ago when the last one occurred was that I was in the midst of my first attempt to get into this career. Which was slightly challenging due to a bunch of other stuff going on in my life but at which time I was given a few really good opportunities, as well. Unfortunately back then I had a lot less faith (maybe none) in my ability to bring in money and I felt that circumstances were far too challenging to make the leap from my very stable and "secure" job and this new thing that was like starting from scratch and totally uncertain. Part of me wishes that I had done it then -perhaps the last 8 years would have been a lot better and a lot easier, I certainly would have avoided a ton of hideous shit but I also wouldn't be who I am now. Funny to hear myself say that sometimes, it's a twisty path that brings you to realize how much you love who you are.
There are still a couple more bits of this near future which have been predicted which have shown signs but haven't quite arrived yet that I'm looking forward to and wondering just how they'll end up finally coming around, because boy am I ready for some more changes but I guess I'll just have to be patient...

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Tomorrow I take my State Board exam and become a licensed cosmetologist (that is, assuming I pass -which I am). I'm so ready to have it over with that yesterday I was wishing it could've been today and today I'm not even nervous that it's tomorrow. Not even about my 4:30 a.m. alarm because I realized that I'm so rested right now that I'm never tired. What I'm thinking about more than the test, actually, is the fact that after tomorrow I will be ready to start working which will mean this last period of "vacation" is over. I was kind of surprised, actually, at how much I enjoyed this one -with school out of the way and a better idea of what my future will be it was a lot easier to relax and not stress about things than last spring when I didn't know if unemployment would give me benefits, didn't know what kind of job I'd end up with, didn't know if unemployment would let me go to school, and so on. I did a lot more projects last spring when the bank account was a little fluffier, which was fun and important as I needed to keep my hands and my mind busy so as not to worry so much about the aforementioned uncertainties, but while this last stretch was a somewhat "broke" one it was super relaxing and enjoyable as I kind of knew what it was leading to and felt better about relaxing into it rather than working through it.
It's been an interesting time, this period since early last year until now. I realized the other day how much my ideas about work and how to make money have changed and those have been big changes for me. Yesterday I was watching a video on Style Like U (the link takes you to the profile I was watching, actually, because I just adore this guy) and just after I finished it I realized that it had been a long time since I'd wondered how artists and other 'self-employed' (basically) people manage to make a living and feel secure in professions that seem sort of unpredictable and in which the sole responsibility to bring in income is their own. I always remember what Joseph Campbell said about his own work and life, that when you're doing what you want to be doing and should be doing, "doors would open where there were none -where there wouldn't be doors for someone else". (Maybe that's not the exact quote....) And sure, maybe I didn't get to go to Vidal Sassoon on scholarship or something but I realized very quickly that it wouldn't have been what I wanted anyway. The most amazing thing to me this last year was that I was allowed to not work (sort of...) and that I was allowed to choose how I wanted to recreate my life. There was a time I wouldn't have believed that I would be given the opportunity to do all this or that my decisions would have been supported in a way that made it so easy and for all of that I am endlessly grateful.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Overnight Lunar Eclipse

Holy crap. That lunar eclipse last night messed me up! First of all I didn't realize that it was happening over night, I've not been on top of the astro lately because lately I've just felt that I didn't really want much influencing me about what's going on in my life and anytime I read a lot of other peoples interpretations of the sky I know that I try to relate to it and the results are that I feel like I'm living less authentically.
Anyway, I'm also preparing for my licensing exam later this week so probably minimizing the variety of information I'm absorbing right now is for the best. If it's not about anatomy, electricity, nail diseases, hair structure or chemistry I just don't have brain space for it at the moment.
Last night I had the worst insomnia I've had in ages. Not only could I not sleep and not only was my brain  running like crazy, it was dredging up all these memories and assessments of the past (from recent to way back) that were really dull and unsettling for me. It's not like I was thinking of the 'good old times', it's like I was thinking of the really nice guy I dated briefly when I was 23 and wondering all over again why I the whole experience had felt so boring at the time and why, now, I felt that I had somehow missed an opportunity to be with someone who treated me the way I actually would like to be treated (took me on proper dates, bought me a birthday gift even though we'd only been out a couple times when it came around, etc.). And ALL of the memories were like that, of sort of ambivalent themed experiences. I think I hate ambivalent relationship experiences even more than I hate heartbreaking experiences -there's something amazing that happens first in order to be heartbroken.
Anyway, it was an incredibly rough night for me and even though I was sure it did have something to do with the full moon and the eclipse, since I didn't know that the eclipse actually happened early this morning I thought that it might have been equally some kind of oncoming anxiety about my test which until then I'd been feeling totally confident about. But suddenly I was thinking: dear god, what if I can't sleep at ALL this week?!
So this morning I'm kind of relieved. I'm actually really impressed now at the power of that eclipse -that was far more insane at the actual time than the solar eclipse two weeks ago. Thank god it's over.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

A friend likes to tell how his father, when asked to help fix or explain a problem on the farm where he grew up, would always respond, “Just look at it.” Lee generally says something like this when asked how his photographs work or why he made them. And he means it in the same spirit. First, if you don’t figure it out for yourself you will quickly forget what you discover and it won’t be of any use to you. And second, don’t use somebody else’s way of looking or you won’t see anything. To the close observer, Friedlander even builds in safeguards to keep his audience from seeing his way.
I just posted this quote on facebook (even though I dislike facebook more and more everyday) because I especially loved the part that says "don't use somebody else's way of looking or you won't see anything" (which I also pointed out in my post). 
What happened next was the perfect example of why I hate facebook. 
A relative of mine who is being raised suuuuper Christian and suuuper sheltered "like"-ed it. This is someone who (at an age too young to know much of anything about the world, especially considering the world she's living in) posted a while back a long, hideous "letter" to an unborn fetus as a "political" (read: religious conservative) statement for pro-life. Even more than the offense of the letter itself, I was offended that someone of her position felt she had the authority or experience to post something like that but because I remember being young and wanting to be provocative and interesting I simply blocked all of her posts from that point on. I generally don't see activity from her on my posts either and thank god for that because her "like" just annoyed the crap out of me. How in the hell does someone who posts shit like that dare to say that they can relate to seeing with their own eyes?! And then I realized the danger of scary people, they all believe that they've come to these opinions and decisions on their own. They believe themselves to be informed and experienced. 
I have hoped for years, and continue to, that at least one of the children of this family would be incredibly rebellious. Is that evil? I don't wish for anything bad to happen to any of them and I do want them all to be happy, but it would delight me to see just one of them turn up with ideas from outside what they've been told to believe in. It would be equally delightful if one of them grew up to be gay. 
All that venting aside, the original reason I really loved this quote is because I've never liked the part of art where someone tells you that you have to be able to explain why you made it or why you like it. I like this attitude of "Just look at it." If you're not getting anything from it, you're not going to. I very much believe that most great artists make art simply because they felt an urge inside themselves that wanted to be expressed. People don't always know why they feel how they do or why they do what they do. Life is not logical.