Sunday, August 22, 2010

Here's A Weird One

Ok. Wackiest dream last night. I'm driving my car -which in the dream is an orange Bug, the newer model. And it's pouring rain. I'm trying to find a parking space on my street which can be hard sometimes. At first everything is fairly average: I'm just driving. But as I start trying to park a bunch of things start happening. The first space is at the end so there's plenty of room to back up and pull up to the curb but I'm wearing these platform sandals and I can't seem to work the pedals very well in them. I hit the gas to back up just a little and zoom back much further than I need to, same going forward again. The unexpected speed throws me off and I don't have time to steer quite right. At the same time my eyes are getting blurry. At first I think it's just that there's so much rain that I can't see well through the windows but I'm blinking and rubbing my eyes and feeling like I'm going blind. I try again and my feet are now getting tangled up under the clunky platforms of the shoes and getting caught under the pedals. The car is moving and I'm worried I won't be able to get my feet untangled quickly enough to hit the brakes. Finally I pull into the space and realize that I don't fit. At this point I get out of the car for a moment and the rain seems to have let up. One of my neighbors has a folding table set up in the street and seems to be promoting her art work. I walk over and watch as she signs posters for someone. They're for the Wizard of Oz and Alice In Wonderland and it's odd to me because they aren't her work and as far as I can tell she has nothing to do with the movies. She also has a sack of pencil drawings on lined notebook paper that she's leafing through and showing people in a very formal way.
I'm back in the car moving to a new space and it's pouring again and really dark. I find a spot and pull in -still having some of the maneuvering issues and partial blindness, but it goes a little smoother. I get out of the car and see that I'm not really fitting there either. So I pick up the car under my arm as it is now the size of a childs toy car (the type that they can get inside and drive). I ant to get back in and adjust my placement but the car has now become even smaller and I open the door and it's as if it's a plastic covered collapsible frame, I stretch it out and pop the frame into place. I then crawl back in to retrieve my purse and some groceries. Each thing I touch, a bagged loaf of bread and a block of cheese, is a cloth sandbag item of toy food.
What the hell?!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Friday Love

Here's an early Friday love posting, maybe I'll have more to add later. Starting from today, all the way back to last Friday:
Today a car was leaving a meter every place I arrived and always with enough time paid for to cover me, as well.
I managed to scrape together enough cash to make it the rest of the week until payday (more on why I had to do that coming up...).
It's finally feeling like summertime.
Work went by faster than it seems to have in a while despite being my first week back from vacation.
I started parting my hair in the middle (a few weeks ago, really) and everyone's still telling me it looks great.
I got a used MacBook Pro at less than a quarter of it's original price. (!!!!!!! -why I'm now kind of broke, see above)

As for last weekend and even last week, as I didn't post anything. Delayed Friday love:
I did whatever I wanted all day everyday and it was amazing.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Aha! I realized today why capitalism is failing. The trends that have been created in the name of saving the planet we live on and its resources have encouraged recycling and reusing. Sustainability. And buying locally produced whenever possible. All of these things point to huge changes in how money flows and how much money flows. The internet that allows us to purchase more from all over the world has also created a place to find free or used (and less expensive) things locally. People are getting together to trade clothes they've outgrown. I've been to a few of many markets that are for locally made goods only. I am supporting my community! I am reducing my footprint! But I wonder, with so many of us making these decisions, what is the economy we're creating?
I like my stuff as much as the next guy, within reason, but have never felt that most new items are worth the pricetags they wear. I have just made my second large purchase this summer. I first bought a car and now have a newer, nicer computer. Both were bought used and locally. Both are quality and far less expensive than they would have been brand new. And I couldn't be happier. But I wonder what impact my choices have on the economy? In my mind I'm being practical and living within my means but I'm wondering if I've disappointed the experts who would've thought I'd be buying a brand new car every ten years. A brand new computer when the next generation comes out. A new phone every year. I'm still only thinking about getting an iPhone 3G, as the new ones are a mess and sound like a foolish waste of money.
More extreme than my savvy shopping is he Freegan movement. I read an article recently about a group of people living together in an abandoned house that they've all worked together to fix up. They have pirated utilities, collect food that was thrown away because it had passed it's sell by date and get their clothes from unclaimed lost and founds. They've set out to live without need for money and seem to be accomplishing it quite well. It's brilliant! I almost wish I'd gotten in on the idea before I got used to a steady income and the privacy of my own home.
Another thing I just learned by chance is that I have a job that pays generally the average wage someone with a Bachelors degree can expect to earn. As I don't have a degree myself I'm wondering if someone out there is feeling the loss of the thousands of dollars I was expected to pay for an education I obviously didn't need? I wonder if someone else is feeling the loss of the position I hold that could have allowed them to repay their student loan? Look at me beating the system every which way! And I couldn't be happier with my ten year old Honda, reconditioned iPod and three year old MacBook bought at about 20% of the price it was new. Yes, I'm bragging. And I'm carrying far less debt than the average American. And despite what people may think, I'm happier with what I have than I would be with what I don't have.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

If you stay somewhere long enough it feels like home. Especially if it is home. You forgive it's flaws, no matter how many or severe they may be and you get attached to it's charms. Even if there might be something much better, the good qualities of what you've got have their claws in you and it's hard to extract them. Part of me wants a new home, something better without crumbly walls and more dust than you can shake a broom at. I want to walk into a new place and feel immediately soothed and at the same time I'm afraid that's exactly what will happen and then I'll have to move.
A private yard that isn't full of loose dirt and broken glass. Bigger closets, a laundry room. Walls without bulges from poorly hung drywall and water damage. But it wouldn't be home yet and it might take a few years before it is. Would I feel happy driving toward it or just sad not to be here?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

It's been a long time since I finished a dance class feeling kind of lame. It must be good, I thought, challenges make us learn and get better at things. But it's left a web of confusion over my evening. Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Where am I?! Jupiter is opposing Saturn "you will feel psychologically that you are shrinking and expanding at the same time". Yes, it's a freaky Alice in Wonderland taking all the drugs at the same time feeling.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I have a mad girl crush on Tavi of style rookie. She's wicked smart, self aware and obsessed with fashion and style. I'm sure the boys are swooning and terrified.
I was watching a video she and her sister made and realized that funny colored hair really looks best on young people. And it made me a little sad. I must have already realized this as it's been years since I even dared to try to make mine more interesting. I simply don't want to look like a "fun" secretary. I prefer more of a slightly ferrel aesthetic which is not an adjective you would generally use next to "secretary". But happily, I also remembered that this is one of the many things I did at the right time. I did have a few years when my hair was bright red, blue and turquoise and I loved it and I'm happy now that I did those things that seem so silly and irrelevant.
It also made me realize that maybe I am just like everyone else, not wanting to grow up and get old. I am always the one to tell people: you can be whoever you want to be at any time in your life. But as an adult you do lose freedoms (yes, plural).
I do not want to look "appropriate" or go to work. I want to stay home and clean my whimsical house in a pretty silk camisole (yes, I did that this morning). I want to talk to my dogs and play on the beach (yesterday). And dance, and put on another silly outfit to sit around in and watch shows whose content is unimportant to educated adults. I want to write a silly blog that is generally irrelevant and somewhat directionless (I"m working on concepts, I am). And stay up late to watch meteor showers. And most of all I don't want any part of anyone else's "agenda".
This, I think, is my big grown up "problem". Resistance to other's agendas. They are the antitheses of what it is to be free and adult life is full of them.
I'm getting now why I resisted the practical car, the nicer apartment, the stable job that I have, the serious boyfriend I don't have, the idea of children (adorable and fun but aren't I too messy to be a mother?). I liked my jalopy and working for hourly plus tips and living in a shacky apartment that I can paint and change as I like. I like my funny clothes and my silly hair-do's and sometimes even blue eyeshadow.
Reading the thoughts of a 13 year old girl who is going through the same angst I still feel sometimes in my 30's and wears bright red hair reminds me that it's still me in here. Even she is beginning to question the personal impact of the outside world. I hope it doesn't get her either.