Wow

Alright, today is freaking weird. Sun conjunct Saturn (this means they're in the same degree of Libra) and then something about Sun or Moon (I should go look it up agin, I know) squaring the South Node (karma) and something else.... Whatever it is it's freaking me out. I'm dying for it to be tomorrow because this is the kind of feeling that only goes away after you sleep it off. I'm definitely feeling a sense of three simultaneous realities, everyone I know is actually someone else, and its really bothering me that the days are getting so short. Arriving home from work today it was already dark out and I feel myself straining my eyes to see things you can really only see in the daylight. It's as if something in me hasn't yet accepted that the sun has set.
In other news, suddenly my blog is being read and the really fascinating (yet terrifying) thing about this is that I can see all the countries from which people are reading this. The last two days it's totally blown up and my first thought was, "What's so interesting about me?" My second thought was, "Did I accidentally post something really offensive?!" Since I'm pretty sure I didn't I'll just try to carry on but ofcourse now I have a tad bit of stage fright, the feeling of a million eyes watching me tap away at the keyboard while I'm pretty sure I'm alone in the house. I don't know why I'm suddenly getting so much attention but thank you anyway!

Transformation

I've been having vivid dreams for over a week now, every single night. All of them interesting and I wake up feeling like just finished a great movie. Most have faded a bit by now and for whatever reason I didn't really feel like writing about them this week. Last nights dream had an element of something that has been in my dreams before. I was living in the same apartment that I live in now and the part of the dream that really made an impact on me is this:
I had just taken a shower and came out of the bathroom and went into the kitchen. The back door was wide open and for a second I thought, "Good lord, am I so absent minded that I left that open when I went to take a shower?!" And there, a few feet inside the doorway was a chair that hadn't been there before. It was just one of those molded plastic outdoor chairs. Ofcourse in the dream I figured up some weird reason for the whole thing: the door being opened, the chair someone had brought and left there. In the dream I was so struck by this that I absolutely had to look it up this morning.
So first, the chair. It symbolizes authority, 'to offer somebody a chair is to recognize his or her authority or prestige' and the kitchen is symbolic of alchemical transmutations or psychic transformations, 'a moment in inner development'. To have just come from the shower expresses that I'd just gone through the process of purification. What a great sequence to dream!

Today there's some kind of dialogue between the retrograde north node in Capricorn and retrograde Mercury in Virgo. As I read it, this is an opportunity (without stress, not a forced opportunity like a square or opposition) for us to make decisions about what our futures should be. It's mellow enough that we don't have to do it but as I've been so obsessed with creating my future I want to do it. So far I'm not getting an signals on this.
I was just cleaning (Mercury retro in Virgo makes me a much better housekeeper) and am desperate to change my bedroom. This is the room that has changed the least in the ten years I've lived here. The whole problem seems to be the dresser. There's only one place for it and it occupies one of the only two options for placement of the bed which means neither of these has moved since I got here. I don't know about everyone else but things like that drive me nuts. I like flexibility in my furniture. If I can't move house (or don't want to because I have a hell of a lot of space and privacy and crazy low rent) I want to be able to rearrange the furniture every so often so that it feels like a new place.

One of the qualities I most admire in other people is the ability to be shamelessly honest about things that many would consider embarrassing or personally diminishing. It's a quality few people truly possess and in order to be admired for it you can't also be trying to shock people, that's a different quality entirely and I find it repellant. It's a casual, off the cuff way of sharing things like hideous pictures of yourself or wondering aloud if you're a terrible person for some completely unexpected and offensive reaction you had to a delicate situation without appearing to be fishing for reassurance. The unusual ability to expose your flaws in a completely innocent way without sounding self deprecating or insecure. In a way I strive to share this quality because I feel it rounds out the inherent spontaneity of personal expression -the source of many of our embarrassments, no?
What with being on such a strict budget these days (new car and computer, yay!) I'm feeling somewhat limited in ways to entertain and stimulate my brain.

Who are you really? What are you here to do? How much longer are you going to wait?

This is the message this autumn with Saturn in Libra, or rather he question. I'm wondering it every day lately, it seems. Happier than I have been in years I'm wondering what is the big leap I'm anticipating? Is it really so big, even, or does it only seem that way. There's a quote from some Native American tribe that says (something something...) "... you will come upon a great chasm. Leap. It is not as wide as you think."