I've finally figure out why even though I love astrology and have quite a bit of faith in the workings of the universe I absolutely can't read it all the time anymore.
Everything that's written (everything, in fact, that's written on any subject) is written by someone else. It's someone else's perception and interpretation and ultimately, anything that is someone else's is hard to make your own. And ofcourse you can relate to it but it still never feels like your own.
I think I am very disappointed in my capability to express myself sometimes. And I'm very impressed by people who are confident that what they're saying is a precise and authentic expression of what they mean.
For me everything starts with a feeling and feelings, you may have noticed, are notably difficult to change into words.
This is also why I don't want to interpret astrology (and why I sometimes just don't want to talk to anyone even though I have to) because I'm sometimes not sure I'll use the right words.

It's the Little Things

Much as I love shoes I think I might love cheap rubber flips flops even more. I always have a pair and wear them until they break or are totally worn through. My most recent pair was nearly both and everytime I left the house in them (they are my favorite walking and hiking shoes, truly) I would think "These look like the shoes of a homeless person who is about to be a shoeless person". In fact, for the last couple weeks I've been wondering if they would break when I was out and leave me walking home barefoot (it's happened before). For the last few months I've been trying to no avail to replace them, I mean they're only $3-$5. I looked everywhere: the Chinese grocery, Target, Walgreen's, the 99cents store. Everywhere I looked they were either out of my size or they only had some that weren't the right kind -I don't want to wear flip flops with rhinestones on the strap spelling out "babe" and really I don't want any embellishments at all. I don't mind if they're a color (I love the two tone kind that have a white upper sole and a colored sole with straps in the same color) but my favorite are just the plain black. Anyway, I can't believe I haven't found a pair that were even passable for months. It's summer!!! They should be everywhere.
Today I was thinking about my flip flops a lot because I walked to the library and then also took the dogs for a long walk/hike combo and each time I left I wondered if I should change into the cheap sandals I bought as an alternate (but don't really like or find as comfortable as flip flops) but I didn't. And as I rounded a corner walking my dogs there was a little shopping bag at the edge of the sidewalk outside an apartment. It had a little sign on it that said "free" and right on top were a pair of black rubber flip flops. I saw them but at first wasn't going to take them. I have small feet and most people don't wear my size so I figured they'd probably be way too big. But my dog stopped to sniff around and I decided to go back and take a look. I pulled them out and checked the size but it was Brazilian (?) so I tried them on. Perfect fit. Funny thing. They're brand new and quite a bit sturdier built than the ones I usually find (or maybe they just seem that way because the ones I was wearing were so worn out). I tossed my old ones in the first trash can I found and have been wearing these ever since.
I love that this happened. It's one of those things that makes me feel like the universe cares about me. So simple but so perfect.

My love life's been something between a disaster and dead in the water for quite some time now but recently I've seen it perking up again. Only trouble is that I'm so out of practice that I think I keep screwing it up because I'm so stunned at the possibility. Faced with what appears to be a genuinely interested guy the little voice inside my head says, "What, ME? This guy? This super nice incredibly handsome guy? He likes me? You think?"
Every time I realize too late that maybe I wasn't responding with the proper amount of enthusiasm to convey that the interest is mutual it's too late and I spend at least a week trying to imagine that we meet again by chance the same way we met before. But we usually don't. Until my most recent flirt. I have to admit that as truly nice as he seems to be and as much as he seems open and interested I'm needing a little convincing and was totally prepared to give it the time as he was so conveniently located in the building next to where I was working but then I quit that job.
Yup. Foiled again. I am, in fact, writing this with one intention only: to embarrass myself out of possibly of leaving a note on his car. I've heard stories of people doing things like that with excellent outcomes but it's usually the guy. Also, I always like to believe that what's meant to happen will happen no matter the circumstances. And, although I've given up on believing in 'predictions' of any kind from any person, I still want to believe in the guy who will "pursue me without fear or shame" as someone once told me. And maybe I'm also reminding the universe that I'm patiently waiting for another opportunity, if not with this one then bring on the next!
The bottom line is that being between jobs and not independently wealthy is kind of dull. The mind wanders and ill conceived plots are... well, conceived.

Arrrrgh! So with my latest revelations on my birthchart comes this: the realization that my true node is in the 9th house changed EVERYTHING. That's the house of travel, philosophy and mind expansion -all of which I love and desire. I've been dying to travel forever and haven't much been able to and it's one of my always goals in life. This is great because the whole concept of the north node is what you should be doing in life that doesn't always feel comfortable (though I have no trouble with philosophy or mind expansion and the only real trouble I have with travel is funding it). But I realized, while in my car and away from my computer, today that I didn't know what the house opposite that was (which is where the south node is -what you feel comfortable with, what comes easily, etc.) and it turns out it's the 3rd house which is communication, glibness and the desire to write. Interesting.... I think it's also defined as the house of self expression which is a bit broader. But I have to say I can't now decide if writing is a waste of time (it's comforting when I'm lonely and bored, as I am now, in between jobs again this week and without much human contact) or just a fine way to pass the time until I can create north node themed opportunities for myself. As is usual with these realizations, first comes clarity and then the confusion returns...

Astro Rant

Reading something just now prompted me to look at the my natal chart with the current transits. I've been wondering for ages now how a generally written for everyone forecast can be accurate for me (or anyone else for that matter) as in my chart the signs and houses don't line up quite as they traditionally are drawn. In fact, all my excitement about having Neptune and Chiron finally move on from Aquarius to Pisces -perhaps it's not exactly as definitive as I thought it was as they're both now in my 1st house (the whole of Pisces being inside my 1st house) which is the house of 'self'.
The interesting thing I'm looking at right now is that for the past year I've been hearing that Jupiter was in my house of home and that maybe I would move or do huge renovations and the like and in truth I didn't have the opportunity or ability to do any of those things. But suddenly now, with Jupiter smack in the middle of my 4th house, NOT in my 5th house as general horoscopes are saying, my apartment building nearly went into foreclosure (a few months ago) and the landlord has just had workers here for the last week repainting the entire exterior, repairing the crumbly stairs and fixing up a couple of nasty bits in my apartment that he'd been neglecting for years. THAT is totally Jupiter in my 4th house and so is the possibility of moving once the place has sold (whenever that happens....).
Also, I just realized that although I'm being told that Pluto has been transiting my 12th house, it's actually in my 11th (ruling groups and community) which explains why these areas have been going through cycles of tearing down and rebuilding for years now.
I have to admit, with all the attention I pay to this stuff I'm always surprised at how I can suddenly see things all at once in a moment (as now) that I couldn't see for years and years of staring at my chart and transits. It's all become clear! And I'm quite relieved to find that my True Node is in the 9th house and not the 10th as I'd been thinking all this time -how do I overlook these things?! (And THIS is why I'm reluctant to do readings.) It makes so much more sense, I'm not the type to believe that my career is my life (indicated by a 10th house placement) but I crave major travel (9th house) and have been working quite hard at overcoming a tendency toward logic for my sometimes nonsensical and elusive but strong and accurate intuition which is very 9th house vs. 3rd house (and which just guided me to quit my job BEFORE having secured the next because I just KNOW it's actually all going to work out and it was best for me to get the hell out of there asap). How strange that I can suddenly see everything all the better... Does this happen to everyone? I should look for the aspect illustrating this moment.

A "bad" life only makes a "good" story if it's absolutely tragic.
I've been thinking about the expanse of my entire life lately, in an attempt to convince myself that some things actually can and do change magnificently and profoundly in a lifetime. I'm trying to convince myself about one particular area, actually. I don't know anyone less lucky in love than me -not that anyone's ever physically beaten me or anything equally awful. But that's just what I mean. Not only have I not particularly enjoyed my love life but it doesn't even make for an exciting story. And since I feel I've never gotten anywhere near what I wanted I can't quite imagine it turning around suddenly when the whole concept that it exists seems scarce enough.
People say that the way you feel about your relationship to love is the same story as the way you feel about your relationship to money.
I'm trying to work out some new relationships to both.
Seems to me, if I can do it with one the other simply follows.

What does it mean to dream of rooms and room full of old furniture? These things are not in my dictionary of symbolism. And by "rooms full" I mean warehouses full of furniture that is not only throughout the room but then stacked up. Imagine tall sandwiches of old sofa's, like they've been through the car crusher -they sit atop each other so flush.
I once saw a big flat bed semi truck on the freeway loaded up with flattened cars. It was beautiful.

There was a while there where Pinterest was all I needed to escape. Just arranging pretty images and great quotes would recharge me a bit from the icks of ordinary life but it doesn't seem to be working quite the same lately.
First off, I'm working again. And that doesn't mean the same thing that it used to. On the one hand I absolutely love what I'm doing and I'm really happy with the choice I made. On the other, one of the many trials that it's brought about for me is actually understanding in my brain that I am now a professional hair stylist. I just realized it again today when I went to buy more feather razor blades. I pulled out my professional "club" card for the store and it struck me that this is what I am. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous but it's kind of a weird ongoing inner battle to accept it all.
On top of that I've been co-fostering a stray I found a few weeks ago. It was one of those amazing experiences in which I acted entirely on instinct without thinking anything through and it all went beautifully. Now, ofcourse, there are things coming up that need to be dealt with -proper training and emotional support, most specifically- and it's like trying to parent with a partner whose style is really incompatible with your own. Which creates another weird inner battle for confidence in my dog rearing style and beliefs as the only thing that's important to me is that the dog comes away from us better than when I found him -and he was pretty much an angel when I found him. How do you tell someone kind, generous and loving that he's capable of turning the sweetest dog ever into a nervous, dominant aggressive wreck?

I think I'm a little lovesick over someone I don't even know. So what else is new, right?
It was one of those chance meetings with a short conversation and the kind of eyes that let you see just enough of something lovely to make you think there's a whole lot more in there. What to do, what to do.......

I really want to read all about what the astrologers are writing about the first exact Pluto Uranus square yesterday now that it's passed but it's still all stuff from before it happened AND it's making me feel a little weird. 

In my experience, the interpretations of aspects change a little once they passed. There's a shift in perspective, the experience itself. Prior to the experience they're writing about comparisons to history and previous experiences that may have been similar or personal. It all changes.

I know that I've finally pinpointed a few things in terms of perspective and stuff. I've kind of figured out more of what it is I've been working on, where it's headed and how it's going for me. 

Last night I had a dream of a climbing journey to get home. I found one of my neighbors at the bottom of a flight of stairs like the ones that do climb the hill to the street I live on but in the dream they were steeper. As I was climbing the steps ahead of me were very close to my face, almost as if they were a ladder leaned against the side of the building. I clung to the railing equally pulling myself up and climbing with my legs. At the top of the stairway I found myself on the side of a very tall mountain with a ledge/path around the side of it. While the stairway had been lush on both sides and seemingly enclosed this path was completely exposed on one side and very, very high up. I stayed down close to the ground and the neighbor I was with reminded me of a few of my old guy friends from teenage years, mellow and just there to be a good companion. Supportive but not pushy. I told him the height was hard for me, I had vertigo and I was scared that maybe I couldn't make it all the way to my house. I  felt like I knew the way and knew it was waiting there for me somewhere but it didn't feel like a familiar route though it seemed to be the only route. He said it was ok, we'd take a break and that he had some pot and that would make me feel braver (which does sound like one or two of those old guy friends). We paused on the ledge path and he showed me the safest place to sit. I knew I'd be ok, I knew I'd make it, I was just at that scary spot. It was a good feeling dream.
Today is the first Pluto Uranus square of a series which will happen over the course of the next few years. I know it's a big deal, I know it's going to make something happen but I don't really know what it is yet. There are a lot of things happening in my life right now that would have once been terrifying to me. It's an interesting time. But I'm dealing and I'm getting greater and braver. These are, in fact, the kinds of times I wish for when I'm bored and nothing has changed in too long. I guess we'll see what really happens and whether or not it feels particularly difficult or if I really notice it much at all. Sometimes we're so open and ready that changes are easy, they happen smoothly.

There are all kinds of jobs in the world -when you really think about it. I just came to this conclusion after starting here: It seems like everything we do in this world is about finding a way to sell something to others. Seems like in the U.S. at least, we're just one big huge retail store. I was just thinking about all the projects the city is doing in my neighborhood lately: fixing up the park and the lake, widening streets. I realized that no matter how inconvenient, this is one of the things we do actually need done -repair to our wider personal environment. The streets need to be in good shape to drive on them safely, the parks are an amenity AND a necessity to it's best to keep them in good shape, too. And, when I think of the economy, all of this work requires labor which provides income for families. And since what we need, apparently, is people working and making money this is a good thing.
I started to think of the other ways I see the economy being created around me: companies building new townhouses to sell to the people who have jobs because they're working. This is where I started to get disappointed because I realized that this process spirals down all the way to the 99cents store. You know? On some level or another we've made everything into a price tag and many have lost touch with nature entirely (that's a whole other thought process I was doing today -how distant many people are from nature and how different a place the world would be if that weren't so- I personally find it an even more interesting topic but this is what I started). That if there were more jobs that were about understanding nature and preserving it we wouldn't be in such a mess to begin with. I started thinking about the differences in qualifications for the different jobs: city worker, builder, oceanographer, environmental impact, erh, person. Education.
The only thing that's offered free to us in our whole lives, funded by the government is public school until we're 18.
After that the government shoves us out into the world to be an adult. Everything costs money including extending your education. You arrive at a certain young age and suddenly a whole bunch of laws change allowing you to do many grown up things requiring a lot of decision making. What a stupid cluster of events to happen at the same time. Maybe it's just  me but that could potentially be kind of... flooding.
Anyway, I can go on like this but maybe you get the picture. Basically I'm just trying to see myself what an insane revolution we're in for if everybody goes back to using local markets, local farms, bicycles, etc. What if "people" put significantly more money into education. The kind of money that would enable us to train and afford really amazing teachers. And the kind that would enable to people to acquire more education for a lot less or free. Imagine what people would discover about themselves and become. Imagine the diversity of jobs. Imagine the social classes melting together..... Imagine everyone having enough of all that they need. Imagine the balance. Imagine how much we would all love each other if we didn't have all these lines of demarcation.