Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm in a stuck spot but not really stuck. I think this is all just Venus retrograde (which I can't wait to be over, I'm realizing). It's purgatory, where I am I mean, not Venus retro -although perhaps Venus retro is purgatory... I'm about a week from my test date and being able to officially accept a job (and I just might have one lined up!) and until then I have little to do but study and walk dogs and clean house and watch Mad Men from the beginning (I never tried to get into it before and finally started it from the beginning, I think I'm on season four now).
For some reason (actually, I know exactly why but am not going to tell why) I feel like I know what's coming next, in a very general way, and knowing what I do makes me not want to put specifics to it. It may be the first time in my life that I've been incredibly comfortable just waiting for everything to start rolling in, partly because I'm expecting nothing less than the best, and surprising me with the details and actualities. I have zero attachment to anything specific right now and it's a strange place to be. And, unfortunately, sort of uninspiring. I feel as if, in fact, what I'm waiting for will be the inspiration for what is coming -they're one and the same. Also, I finally really "got" the whole: if you have to try then it's not the right thing and it's great but the excitement of things happening easily is not the same.
One little teaser I will tell is that the other day when I went to see a movie and had to wait half an hour for the next show because the one I wanted was sold out I found, in the lobby book shop, a dream dictionary. I've been looking for a good one for a while, so many of them are ridiculous, and so I checked out a couple of bits of a dream I had recently that made me wonder for a while. In the dream I came across a mother cat with all her kittens at her belly. I dream of cats a lot so they never surprise me but I was a little saddened as in this dream the cats seemed stray and not in quite perfect health. And while they didn't seem really sick or to be injured they were covered in flies. For some reason, though, I didn't think it would be right to disturb the flies -wave them away or something- plus there were so many, it seemed almost that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it and so I didn't know what to do about it at all.
I looked up flies in my dictionary of symbolism and found something about them representing "the ceaseless quest" -that's the most I could make of it. 'Cats' I've read a number of times and I still can't say I have a clear idea of what they represent, especially as in so many cultures and mythologies they're regarded so differently -sometimes evil, sometimes exalted, I don't know what to make of it. But this dictionary had multiple meanings for cats depending on the situation in the dream, including what it means to help an injured cat (many of my dreams have been of me trying to care for herds of sick and injured cats) and I don't remember exactly what it said anymore (I didn't buy the book -yet) but it was really good and made sense. Dreaming of flies, however, really stood out as it concerned achievement and said that the more flies, the greater the achievement. Ultimately it all lines up with what I already know about my near future (yes, "know" and no, I'm still not telling) and I suddenly understood better the emotional content of the dream and felt it lining up with how I've been feeling awake in the last week or so. So now I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting for it all to begin...

Monday, May 14, 2012

Last week I finally found out my test date for the licensing exam I need to take before I can start working. Considering it a followed a scare in which I mistakenly thought for a few hours that my unemployment benefits had been prematurely cut off (and for some people out there this has happened and I feel for them) I was quite relieved. I'd been expecting it to be in June and had set my head on the idea that I'd be working for sure by the end of June.
Last night I had my first anxiety dream. Not about the test, surprisingly, but about working in a salon. The dream, in fact, was not "bad" in the sense that anything went wrong -it was a dream about giving a haircut, that's all. But for some reason, up until now, when I've given a haircut I've felt somehow protected by my status as a novice/student. I realized that in a few short weeks I'll be a "professional" and that's that.
I woke up from the dream, actually was woken by my dog who's been asking to go out in the wee hours lately, and had a million revelations about school and why I'm glad it's over. The dream wasn't the intense kind that completely saturate your senses. It was murky and dim and dark and vague, but the anxiety was the intense kind that completely saturates your senses and it was hard to shake off.
This morning when I woke up feeling the way you feel after a night like that and additionally feeling like my life is moving too slow and I'm still losing time to all this waiting. And then I suddenly remembered some bits of last spring when I started this whole transition. And I remembered that this is me starting my entire life over again. It's easy to forget when it takes so long. It's easy to become complacent when all I seem able to do is wait and roll with the occasional wave of progress, which come very slowly and so far apart. If things were moving faster I might feel overwhelmed and crazed but at least I'd see the progress and feel like I was getting somewhere. But suddenly they are moving faster (which I think is what was promised by astrologers at this beginning of the year -the first half might go slow but we'd hit June and it would all pick up -or was that supposed to be last year?) and I can see development in sight. I remembered too that I could have just gotten another job, not a career, a job. A job that probably would have made me miserable right from the start, which wouldn't have provided me with any kind of future or even enough income to support myself properly for the first few years. This may be a struggle in many ways, and there's no question I'm starting from scratch but it's got more potential for happiness and success than anything else I can think of and once again I'm happy that I went this way despite the waiting and the uncertainty. When you're doing what's right for yourself everything works out better than you could have expected and I know it's all about to start working out better than I could have expected. Finally.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Saturday: the Full Moon, Noticeable Changes in My Neighborhood and Other Stuff

Last night was the full moon in Scorpio. A full moon in and of itself usually creates a lot of noticeable chaos in the neighborhood -especially falling on a Saturday AND Cinco de Mayo but last night was noticeably still and quiet for pretty much any day of the year (except most Sundays, most Sunday nights are quiet as hell). Here's the thing: it's not that I don't like peace and quiet. In fact, I don't particularly love the craziness that can come with some full moons, but for a Cinco de Mayo to be so quiet? No neighborhood parties blaring music and loud kids all afternoon and into the night? It's just unreal. And, to me, kind of depressing. That's part of what feels like home to me. Not that I listen to Ranchero music (or even really know what any other types of popular Latino music are called...) but when I hear it I know I'm home. It leads me to the confusing spot I find myself in often: What exactly bothers me about this? The fact that I wasn't trying desperately to block the sounds of loud music all night after six days of noisy construction sounds? The fact that the dog wasn't running down to the fence between my yard and my neighbors to bark and stare at them through the small open space because he can smell their barbeque? The fact that I didn't have to close the windows to keep the barbeque smoke out of my house? But there's something lovely about the sounds of the neighborhood parties and the feeling of all their energy in the air. I think the bottom line is that it's just duller this way.
Sort of related but not really is that I just read a book (fiction) about a North American girl whose parents are diplomats. She was born in Cuba but grew up in various countries and learns at 13, when her mother is dying, that her real father in Cuban. After college she goes to Cuba to find him and I'm not going to ruin anything about the story so that's all I'm saying. Read it, it's called Dirty Blonde and Half-Cuban (by Lisa Wixon). Anyway, the story is great and I love her voice but what was most interesting for me was my overly emotional response to the book. I think partly because the timing coincided with the full moon and all but it brought up a lot of interesting things for me including the contrast of the character of Cuba in relation to the character of the US (and then, personalizing it for myself, the character of my little hood). I'm not even going to begin to complain about any specifically North American things but I have to admit that I got really excited about the idea of living a life not centered on capitalism. The resulting hustle to get by doesn't frighten me in the least, in a way it's how I've been living for the last year and a half (and sort of off and on most of my adult life as I've rarely been in a position where I was even reasonably comfortable financially). I love the attitude she describes Cubans as having about their circumstances and the way she tells of them living with so much joy and loving their country in spite of it all. I have to say it all made me feel 97% ready to run off to Cuba forever -if only I could get my dogs and cat there- except that nearly all of the women prostitute themselves in order for their families to survive and I'm just not up for that.
I'm feeling bored this evening and wishing for some kind of adventure. At my age these are harder and harder to come by locally since so much less is shocking or new. It's been a long time since I felt I was wandering into the unknown and I'm ready for a big trip somewhere soon.... Hopefully somewhere beautiful and warm with lot's of dilapidated but beautiful old buildings -my favorite kind of architecture.

Friday, May 4, 2012

This afternoon I was outside with my dog when a teensy baby finch tumbling down the sidewalk to my feet. As I was figuring out what the hell was happening he fluttered and tumbled off the sidewalk into the long grass where he got stuck. For this purpose precisely I have a bird cage that sits vacant in my house which I picked up for ten bucks at a thrift store a few months back. So I made him a little nest out of shredded washcloth and a small box and wired the doors open and tied it to the awning on my back porch. I've been sitting here watching out the window to see if his parents will find him ever since, nervous at what might happen if they didn't. He's been chirping away.
Just a minute ago finally someone caught on and perched on the porch railing just across from him before flying over and perching in the open door of the cage. He was joined by about four others just after. Baby got super excited about this fluttering and chirping, and now they know where he is and I can relax.