Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm in a stuck spot but not really stuck. I think this is all just Venus retrograde (which I can't wait to be over, I'm realizing). It's purgatory, where I am I mean, not Venus retro -although perhaps Venus retro is purgatory... I'm about a week from my test date and being able to officially accept a job (and I just might have one lined up!) and until then I have little to do but study and walk dogs and clean house and watch Mad Men from the beginning (I never tried to get into it before and finally started it from the beginning, I think I'm on season four now).
For some reason (actually, I know exactly why but am not going to tell why) I feel like I know what's coming next, in a very general way, and knowing what I do makes me not want to put specifics to it. It may be the first time in my life that I've been incredibly comfortable just waiting for everything to start rolling in, partly because I'm expecting nothing less than the best, and surprising me with the details and actualities. I have zero attachment to anything specific right now and it's a strange place to be. And, unfortunately, sort of uninspiring. I feel as if, in fact, what I'm waiting for will be the inspiration for what is coming -they're one and the same. Also, I finally really "got" the whole: if you have to try then it's not the right thing and it's great but the excitement of things happening easily is not the same.
One little teaser I will tell is that the other day when I went to see a movie and had to wait half an hour for the next show because the one I wanted was sold out I found, in the lobby book shop, a dream dictionary. I've been looking for a good one for a while, so many of them are ridiculous, and so I checked out a couple of bits of a dream I had recently that made me wonder for a while. In the dream I came across a mother cat with all her kittens at her belly. I dream of cats a lot so they never surprise me but I was a little saddened as in this dream the cats seemed stray and not in quite perfect health. And while they didn't seem really sick or to be injured they were covered in flies. For some reason, though, I didn't think it would be right to disturb the flies -wave them away or something- plus there were so many, it seemed almost that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it and so I didn't know what to do about it at all.
I looked up flies in my dictionary of symbolism and found something about them representing "the ceaseless quest" -that's the most I could make of it. 'Cats' I've read a number of times and I still can't say I have a clear idea of what they represent, especially as in so many cultures and mythologies they're regarded so differently -sometimes evil, sometimes exalted, I don't know what to make of it. But this dictionary had multiple meanings for cats depending on the situation in the dream, including what it means to help an injured cat (many of my dreams have been of me trying to care for herds of sick and injured cats) and I don't remember exactly what it said anymore (I didn't buy the book -yet) but it was really good and made sense. Dreaming of flies, however, really stood out as it concerned achievement and said that the more flies, the greater the achievement. Ultimately it all lines up with what I already know about my near future (yes, "know" and no, I'm still not telling) and I suddenly understood better the emotional content of the dream and felt it lining up with how I've been feeling awake in the last week or so. So now I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting for it all to begin...

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