Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I have a mad girl crush on Tavi of style rookie. She's wicked smart, self aware and obsessed with fashion and style. I'm sure the boys are swooning and terrified.
I was watching a video she and her sister made and realized that funny colored hair really looks best on young people. And it made me a little sad. I must have already realized this as it's been years since I even dared to try to make mine more interesting. I simply don't want to look like a "fun" secretary. I prefer more of a slightly ferrel aesthetic which is not an adjective you would generally use next to "secretary". But happily, I also remembered that this is one of the many things I did at the right time. I did have a few years when my hair was bright red, blue and turquoise and I loved it and I'm happy now that I did those things that seem so silly and irrelevant.
It also made me realize that maybe I am just like everyone else, not wanting to grow up and get old. I am always the one to tell people: you can be whoever you want to be at any time in your life. But as an adult you do lose freedoms (yes, plural).
I do not want to look "appropriate" or go to work. I want to stay home and clean my whimsical house in a pretty silk camisole (yes, I did that this morning). I want to talk to my dogs and play on the beach (yesterday). And dance, and put on another silly outfit to sit around in and watch shows whose content is unimportant to educated adults. I want to write a silly blog that is generally irrelevant and somewhat directionless (I"m working on concepts, I am). And stay up late to watch meteor showers. And most of all I don't want any part of anyone else's "agenda".
This, I think, is my big grown up "problem". Resistance to other's agendas. They are the antitheses of what it is to be free and adult life is full of them.
I'm getting now why I resisted the practical car, the nicer apartment, the stable job that I have, the serious boyfriend I don't have, the idea of children (adorable and fun but aren't I too messy to be a mother?). I liked my jalopy and working for hourly plus tips and living in a shacky apartment that I can paint and change as I like. I like my funny clothes and my silly hair-do's and sometimes even blue eyeshadow.
Reading the thoughts of a 13 year old girl who is going through the same angst I still feel sometimes in my 30's and wears bright red hair reminds me that it's still me in here. Even she is beginning to question the personal impact of the outside world. I hope it doesn't get her either.

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