The past two weeks I lived in an odd place. I was completely devoted to happiness, productivity on a personal level and preparation for the inevitable deluge of goodness I've been certain is coming my way. On a material level I was at rock bottom, but on a personal level I was soaring. It was quite a strange contrast and could well have pushed me over some invisible cliff and plummeted me to "crazy" but I didn't accept that as an option. I just kept climbing however I could. Reading, meditating, writing, acknowledging all the questions that were coming to the surface. Honestly, I was working so hard inside me that even though I desperately wanted to put some of that free time into intensive housekeeping (lulls don't last forever, it's nice to get ahead of the chores while you can) I barely had the energy to get through a sink of dishes. And this is from someone who is not really a clean freak but I do usually enjoy doing the work and seeing the reward of cleaning house.
Throughout that time I thought quite a bit about what I wanted and might get from the session I was waiting for. I didn't want to hear any predictions of the future -I like to be surprised. I wanted to get the most out of it but I didn't want to ask really specific questions, I learned long ago that other people can't answer the questions we ask ourselves no matter how talented they may be. And in the last few days before the appointment I just let go of it all. All expectations and feelings of wanting to have some kind of control of what I took away vanished. Questions were forgotten -maybe they'd come up just so that I could ask them to my self?
When Tuesday arrived I had a sudden flurry of work activity to attend to. I had an interview for a part time job mid morning, I had a sudden rush of new clients for the salon (so exciting!) starting that afternoon and I felt that the universe was acknowledging me after two long weeks of stillness. As our conversation began she touched a little on the current astrology. I assured her I was up to date in that area and we moved forward. She told me that there was a focus on my past for this appointment and began to share the abstract messages she was receiving for me.
I have to admit here, I've not been one to embrace the "angels" phenomenon. I think that, for better or worse, what people are trying to name when they use the term "angels" is the part of our souls that echoes out into the atmosphere. But I must say, whatever you want to call it, it is wise and incredibly nuanced and I'm really amazed by those who can tune in to hear it and express it and work with it. I love that so many people with diverse perspectives on very similar and converging idea's are creating vocabularies to express all of these things and if "angels" is the most recognized name for this energy then angels it is.
I want to somehow be able to express what I took away from this experience but it doesn't feel appropriate to just repeat the exchange we had. I want to say I feel something specific following this experience but while I have felt very different since, I can't really explain how. I think I'm still finding my balance. Every experience in life changes me from day to day and the only things I do know are that I was meant to have this experience and it provided me with a sense of something so intangible that I can't think of words that will accurately describe it.
Part of it is just me, what we sometimes fail to recognize is that we are the only ones who create anything in or around ourselves. The overall message delivered to me was that I'm at a critical time of awakening in my life. An enlightenment. (I should stay away from the word "change" and use the words "freedom" and "awakening", apparently, which do feel much more comfortable.) And in the midst of all this, just following the big burst of energy to share my experience and my practices, I suddenly feel entirely unequipped to do so.
Nearly every concept that came up in that session I could illustrate with an example of a recent experience. And yet, at the time I was experiencing it I had no idea that what it meant or that it meant anything at all.
I suddenly feel entirely... what's the opposite of wise? I'm like the brand new skin of a baby, delicate and inexperienced at how to process the environment. I'm learning everything over again and I don't even know what I'm learning. It's both magnificent and bizarre and perhaps I should be a bit terrified but I'm in love with the adventure of it.