a-HA!

Every so often these days I've been thinking, "What's happened to me?" I've been feeling a little lackluster in self expression of all kinds lately. I figured I was just depressed again because I so often seem to be without even realizing it. (sigh...) Or that it was the change of season and the cold weather is slowing me down. But I just was reminded that Uranus has been retrograde and is about to go direct! Voila. Not only is it my ruling planet but it also happens to be in the area of my chart which is all about self expression and communication. Duh! How did I miss that?

Wow, week three of wild dreams and last nights was the wildest (and happily, the first that I actually kind of enjoyed). In cleaning out my house I came across three chunks of quart crystal that I've had since childhood (yes, I've always been part hippie) and last night I stuck the largest one under my pillow, hoping for a little balance. I think this was the most intense dream night yet.
Starts with a bunch of weirdness: driving a car inside a building, trying to make my way out. Lot's of weirdness, such as coming upon a room (the last to navigate to get outdoors) full of people (who seemed to be friends) sleeping on the floor with lot's of white sheets, not even a path through them to walk. Trying to navigate the car through doorways -good lord!
Driving cars has come up a few times in recent dreams, always with some issue such as the car stalling and refusing to be started again. Each time I feel calm and determined, get out and try to figure the best way to keep going. Much as a smooth driving with no issues dream would be better, dreams do reflect real life and definitely I have felt some challenges to my progress lately and have had a calm and positive attitude and been looking for ways to go on nonetheless.
But the middle part was exceptional. I saw colored images appear on my arms. Sort of like tattoo's but they weren't tattoo's and they would appear and then fade out and then new ones would appear. Sometimes letters, mostly images. I noticed and showed my parents and then we watched as they changed and tried to decipher what it all was. I remember feeling vaguely nervous that these images my body was generating would tell something about me that I felt was private but I let the feeling go and just watched. Wish I could remember all the things I saw on my arms but in the dream none of them struck me as particularly revealing to me in any way. Either way: very interesting.
Last bit seemed to be my birthday and a boyfriend (didn't look like any I've had or any I'd like to have) giving me a gift, standing with his arms around me. I didn't feel that I really liked him or was happy or excited to be with him, just felt kind of flat. The gift he gave me was something that he would have liked, not for me at all, and I recognized this immediately. This was very reminiscent of a real life boyfriend who once gave me a few gifts for Christmas which were things that he really wanted and was excited about but which had nothing to do with any of my own interests or desires. Yes, that really happened.
All this dreaming is an effect of the current astro, I've been told I can enjoy this trend through the end of the year... Not sure how I feel about it but am trying each night to tell myself as I fall asleep, "If I must dream, dream better! Dream of what I want to come true!"

There's a sign on a building that I used to pass on my long drive to work that says simply "WE MAKE". I love that sign. It's so vague and specific. Plus I love to make things, too, and I hate to be tied down to one thing (although I am loving hair enough to not mind the idea of being tied to it for a while). But I imagine that with a sign like that you could change your purpose every day if you wanted to. One day you could make furniture, the next day you could make baked goods, the day after that you could make jewelry, and the day after that you could make violins -you see? The possibilities are endless and endless possibilities are my favorite thing.

Eclipse: Coming Out of the Shadow

Alright it's eclipse day!
I just read a facebook post of an astrologer/channel I really like who asked where we are in out own shadows and where or in what ways are we afraid of eclipsing someone else. Wow! What a thing to say...
Strangely, it was just what I needed to hear. For many years I dealt with the fear of eclipsing others. I grew up with some very competitive women and found that in my teens and early adult years I was still repeating those relationships, ones in which it felt dangerous to be myself for fear of what would happen if I were to outshine someone close to me. I finally recognized all this a while back and coming out of that cave was pretty difficult -more so for those around me, it seemed.
Much of what I learned then is still fresh enough that I'm still conscious of it most of the time whether or not I want to be. I remember the distinct feeling of strength and freedom that came with every difficult situation I encountered during that time. The ones that challenged me to represent myself honestly rather than folding in for fear of (somehow) devastating someone else. In truth, I doubt I "devastated" anyone and certainly the most damage incurred was to me in the period of time where I was folding in. For years since I've been reviewing my earlier relationships and seeing all the ways I missed out or lost something trying to be delicate with people who wanted all the light for themselves.
Since things have calmed down and I haven't been challenged on a daily basis (for a while there it was non-stop, forcing me to grow into my full self) there have been times when I've wondered if I've maintained or regressed or progressed. It's become hard to tell as I've moved along. I'll definitely be thinking about this for the next few days: where might I be folding in rather than shining out? In what ways can I strengthen myself?
Stay tuned for another eclipse themed photo montage.