I've never been known for my patience and that's why I'm going to look at a new house this afternoon. Even though I haven't quite started at my new job (hopefully this week, I'll find out on Tuesday for sure), even though if I wait until my current place changes ownership I could receive a very healthy relocation fee, even though I already drove by this place yesterday and it's not exactly what I think I want (only because the front yard is soooo small that it's basically right on the street and because it's only one bedroom and I want two). But it's got a washer and dryer and a FIREPLACE!!!! And it's on a street that is basically like a pocket -all dead ends- and it's right near the very end, so it's pretty secluded from traffic and such. And it does have a "breakfast nook" which could easily double as a space to sew and make jewelry and such -which is what I would use a second bedroom for. So a big part of me is really excited about it. Oh, and it's a little craftsman style bungalow with lot's of nice wood trim and built in cabinets and big windows so in that way it's exactly what I love. Anyway! I'm really excited about it even though at this point in my long stretch of unemployment I have no money saved to move and I honestly wonder what landlord wants to see that I haven't worked in the last year (even thought I'm about to start again)... But I can't help myself, I have to go look and if it's meant to be then it will somehow all work out really easily and if it's not meant to be then something even better will turn up when I'm actually ready to move. And that is what I have to remember: when something doesn't work out it means there's always something better.

Well I passed my exam the other day and am now a licensed cosmetologist. I've also got a chair with my name on it (metaphorically, ofcourse) waiting for me at a salon I love which means that this whole stretch of unemployment and re-creation is coming to a close.
Whether or not it's having put the test behind me and knowing that things are nearly settled up ahead, I've felt a huge shift in the last couple weeks. I also attribute it to the energy cleanse I did as prescribed by the... hmm, I don't know what she is... best guess by her methods is Santeria priestess? Anyway, I visited her a few weeks ago as she had made some predictions for me a couple years back that seemed really, nearly impossible to me at the time but which have been steadily unfolding in my life since.
Anyway, on this visit I just wanted to see what she might tell me as sort of reassurance that I had in fact been making the choices that were right for me rather than simply doing the only things I could think of -when things are easy it makes me wonder if I was supposed to have done something else. This was before I again realized that life is supposed to be easy (most times) and that when I'm doing what's right for me opportunities come without seemingly insurmountable challenges. I figured that if I there was anything amiss (maybe this whole hair thing wasn't really the right career? maybe the job I had asked for and been given wasn't at the right place?) I was happy to hear that her predictions for my near future were the same ones she'd predicted (minus all the things that have already happened) the last time I saw her, and this time I accepted the prescription she offered me and I tell you I've felt a huge shift in my energy and seen a huge difference in who and what comes through my world.
I also realized, with all the talk about the recent Venus transit of the Sun, that what was going on for me 8 years ago when the last one occurred was that I was in the midst of my first attempt to get into this career. Which was slightly challenging due to a bunch of other stuff going on in my life but at which time I was given a few really good opportunities, as well. Unfortunately back then I had a lot less faith (maybe none) in my ability to bring in money and I felt that circumstances were far too challenging to make the leap from my very stable and "secure" job and this new thing that was like starting from scratch and totally uncertain. Part of me wishes that I had done it then -perhaps the last 8 years would have been a lot better and a lot easier, I certainly would have avoided a ton of hideous shit but I also wouldn't be who I am now. Funny to hear myself say that sometimes, it's a twisty path that brings you to realize how much you love who you are.
There are still a couple more bits of this near future which have been predicted which have shown signs but haven't quite arrived yet that I'm looking forward to and wondering just how they'll end up finally coming around, because boy am I ready for some more changes but I guess I'll just have to be patient...

Tomorrow I take my State Board exam and become a licensed cosmetologist (that is, assuming I pass -which I am). I'm so ready to have it over with that yesterday I was wishing it could've been today and today I'm not even nervous that it's tomorrow. Not even about my 4:30 a.m. alarm because I realized that I'm so rested right now that I'm never tired. What I'm thinking about more than the test, actually, is the fact that after tomorrow I will be ready to start working which will mean this last period of "vacation" is over. I was kind of surprised, actually, at how much I enjoyed this one -with school out of the way and a better idea of what my future will be it was a lot easier to relax and not stress about things than last spring when I didn't know if unemployment would give me benefits, didn't know what kind of job I'd end up with, didn't know if unemployment would let me go to school, and so on. I did a lot more projects last spring when the bank account was a little fluffier, which was fun and important as I needed to keep my hands and my mind busy so as not to worry so much about the aforementioned uncertainties, but while this last stretch was a somewhat "broke" one it was super relaxing and enjoyable as I kind of knew what it was leading to and felt better about relaxing into it rather than working through it.
It's been an interesting time, this period since early last year until now. I realized the other day how much my ideas about work and how to make money have changed and those have been big changes for me. Yesterday I was watching a video on Style Like U (the link takes you to the profile I was watching, actually, because I just adore this guy) and just after I finished it I realized that it had been a long time since I'd wondered how artists and other 'self-employed' (basically) people manage to make a living and feel secure in professions that seem sort of unpredictable and in which the sole responsibility to bring in income is their own. I always remember what Joseph Campbell said about his own work and life, that when you're doing what you want to be doing and should be doing, "doors would open where there were none -where there wouldn't be doors for someone else". (Maybe that's not the exact quote....) And sure, maybe I didn't get to go to Vidal Sassoon on scholarship or something but I realized very quickly that it wouldn't have been what I wanted anyway. The most amazing thing to me this last year was that I was allowed to not work (sort of...) and that I was allowed to choose how I wanted to recreate my life. There was a time I wouldn't have believed that I would be given the opportunity to do all this or that my decisions would have been supported in a way that made it so easy and for all of that I am endlessly grateful.

Overnight Lunar Eclipse

Holy crap. That lunar eclipse last night messed me up! First of all I didn't realize that it was happening over night, I've not been on top of the astro lately because lately I've just felt that I didn't really want much influencing me about what's going on in my life and anytime I read a lot of other peoples interpretations of the sky I know that I try to relate to it and the results are that I feel like I'm living less authentically.
Anyway, I'm also preparing for my licensing exam later this week so probably minimizing the variety of information I'm absorbing right now is for the best. If it's not about anatomy, electricity, nail diseases, hair structure or chemistry I just don't have brain space for it at the moment.
Last night I had the worst insomnia I've had in ages. Not only could I not sleep and not only was my brain  running like crazy, it was dredging up all these memories and assessments of the past (from recent to way back) that were really dull and unsettling for me. It's not like I was thinking of the 'good old times', it's like I was thinking of the really nice guy I dated briefly when I was 23 and wondering all over again why I the whole experience had felt so boring at the time and why, now, I felt that I had somehow missed an opportunity to be with someone who treated me the way I actually would like to be treated (took me on proper dates, bought me a birthday gift even though we'd only been out a couple times when it came around, etc.). And ALL of the memories were like that, of sort of ambivalent themed experiences. I think I hate ambivalent relationship experiences even more than I hate heartbreaking experiences -there's something amazing that happens first in order to be heartbroken.
Anyway, it was an incredibly rough night for me and even though I was sure it did have something to do with the full moon and the eclipse, since I didn't know that the eclipse actually happened early this morning I thought that it might have been equally some kind of oncoming anxiety about my test which until then I'd been feeling totally confident about. But suddenly I was thinking: dear god, what if I can't sleep at ALL this week?!
So this morning I'm kind of relieved. I'm actually really impressed now at the power of that eclipse -that was far more insane at the actual time than the solar eclipse two weeks ago. Thank god it's over.

A friend likes to tell how his father, when asked to help fix or explain a problem on the farm where he grew up, would always respond, “Just look at it.” Lee generally says something like this when asked how his photographs work or why he made them. And he means it in the same spirit. First, if you don’t figure it out for yourself you will quickly forget what you discover and it won’t be of any use to you. And second, don’t use somebody else’s way of looking or you won’t see anything. To the close observer, Friedlander even builds in safeguards to keep his audience from seeing his way.

— Rod Slemmons, Lee Friedlander: Just Look At It

I just posted this quote on facebook (even though I dislike facebook more and more everyday) because I especially loved the part that says "don't use somebody else's way of looking or you won't see anything" (which I also pointed out in my post). 

What happened next was the perfect example of why I hate facebook. 

A relative of mine who is being raised suuuuper Christian and suuuper sheltered "like"-ed it. This is someone who (at an age too young to know much of anything about the world, especially considering the world she's living in) posted a while back a long, hideous "letter" to an unborn fetus as a "political" (read: religious conservative) statement for pro-life. Even more than the offense of the letter itself, I was offended that someone of her position felt she had the authority or experience to post something like that but because I remember being young and wanting to be provocative and interesting I simply blocked all of her posts from that point on. I generally don't see activity from her on my posts either and thank god for that because her "like" just annoyed the crap out of me. How in the hell does someone who posts shit like that dare to say that they can relate to seeing with their own eyes?! And then I realized the danger of scary people, they all believe that they've come to these opinions and decisions on their own. They believe themselves to be informed and experienced. 

I have hoped for years, and continue to, that at least one of the children of this family would be incredibly rebellious. Is that evil? I don't wish for anything bad to happen to any of them and I do want them all to be happy, but it would delight me to see just one of them turn up with ideas from outside what they've been told to believe in. It would be equally delightful if one of them grew up to be gay. 

All that venting aside, the original reason I really loved this quote is because I've never liked the part of art where someone tells you that you have to be able to explain why you made it or why you like it. I like this attitude of "Just look at it." If you're not getting anything from it, you're not going to. I very much believe that most great artists make art simply because they felt an urge inside themselves that wanted to be expressed. People don't always know why they feel how they do or why they do what they do. Life is not logical.