Honestly

Perhaps it's Mercury stationing direct (now in the "storm" phase) or maybe I've just completely flipped my lid but the strangest and most interesting things have been occurring to me since mid-afternoon. Let me clarify: strange and interesting maybe only to me as they are mostly low key "revelations" about my long standing mood problems (doesn't that sound nice and non-threatening and not very serious?).
First off, I really am thinking that I might have an internet addiction. It's just such an easy toy to turn to when I'm bored, there's so much out there. But it quickly becomes a habit and even though I know that I feel much better if I'm actually doing something -like gardening or going out for a walk or doing hair or making something or even just cleaning the house- there are times when I just can't think of anything else and I plop down in front of my computer.
This leads me to my worst nasty-thoughts-of-the-day which is that I got really annoyed after spending a while perusing a number of blogs of young ladies who are similar to myself and post a lot of photos of things and places they like, write a bit about how they feel and little stories from their lives -all good stuff that I enjoy. But after scrolling through one too many, I guess, I came across a girl who had posted a series of photos of herself taken in a cute outfit in a 7-Eleven parking lot followed by a series of herself wearing a cute outfit on the beach staring out at the ocean and I just got totally nauseated. I can think of a number of "reasons why" I felt this way but they're all petty and lame and don't really make any sense beyond that perhaps I was feeling overly saturated at that point.
When I sat down to write this I had a pretty clear idea of what I was going to rant about but suddenly it's gone fuzzy..... And that's kind of the basis of everything for me lately. I feel like crap, I start to surface and see more clearly, I feel ridiculous for having been so blind (I hate cliches but they're always just so easy to reach), I feel upset for the time I lost feeling bad, I realize again all the REAL reasons that I have felt so bad for so long which actually seem entirely beyond my control (and therefor valid) and then I see a girl who takes twenty photo's of herself sucking down a big gulp in front of a 7-Eleven and think "Where does she get the confidence to not feel ridiculous doing this?!" It's highly likely that this is partially fueled by my having skipped a mid-day meal because I didn't know what I was hungry for. Not to worry, dinner's on the stove.

Addendum: I just remembered one of the things I wanted to say. I'm really tired of squelching what I honestly think and feel. I certainly don't want to hurt any feelings, I truly am a kind person, but I feel like  I'm always seeing two extremes in people: the ones who don't believe in having dreams or the possibility of making them real, and the ones who live in utter fantasy, shunning all practicalities. I'm kind of sick of it all but it's hard to say. More aptly, I suppose, I'm tired of feeling stuck in one or the other of these extremes. There IS a happy medium to be found there and I intend to find it and live in it.

Zooming Into the Future

Dreaming and dreaming and dreaming. It never stops. They're wild and vivid as ever and I even have them when I nap. The other night I had a dream that I was rushing to train stations and boarding and riding trains all night. I finally thought to look up the symbolism of trains and found it's all about evolution and very good -"They are signs of our psychic development and indications that we have become self-aware and are moving towards a new life." Ah!!! What a brilliant sign to dream of. And how interesting to dream this just as I graduate beauty school (Saturday was my final day!), am looking at moving house, and Venus moved into Gemini today (heavily influencing my romantic love life) to stay for the next six months -wheeee!

Last night the first of the two flowers opened. As you can see it was gorgeous, there's very little I can say about it. I noticed it was beginning to open at dusk and later took a photo of it fully open. Surprisingly it stayed open all day today. The first one I had I missed seeing open as one morning I went outside and could see that it had opened and closed during the night. Also, it was white rather than this beautiful pink. I thought it was on the same plant but maybe I'm wrong -I have two types and multiple plants...

Tonight is even more spectacular with both flowers now fully blooming.

I couldn't decide if I liked better the photo with less flash that looks so very nighttime or the one with more flash that shows off the colors better.

These are the budding flowers on my Night Blooming Cereus. They're the second and third ever on this plant (I have a few, all grown from clippings) and I missed seeing the first one open so I'm really excited about these. They only open at night and will actually close up again if you shine a light on them but I'm hoping to sneak up and catch them with my camera flash (it seems a little cruel but I can't help myself). I've been checking them every night and I'm thinking tonight may be the night. 

One of the streets I often walk with my dogs is lined on both sides with tall palms trees. It also happens to be on the crest of a big hill. Strong wind rushing through the palms sounds like huge ocean waves crashing incessantly. It's almost as good as the ocean itself.