Balance

I'm finding that my overall goal for the future is more balance. When I was working the days were so long, the commute so long and the work so involved that I always seemed to be thinking about it even when I thought I wasn't. Vacations seemed to fly by and I always felt I'd wasted half of it indulgently lazing around.

These days I still have work to do and I actually try to manage it much the same way I'd manage a real job. I makes schedules and lists and prioritize. There are deadlines, and I even am still using the rule of work before play. But there's more time than you might imagine. No matter how many jobs I apply for in one day, add a few follow up calls from previous applications, take care of some housework, bills, exercise and play with the dogs -that might sound like fun but it's necessary so it qualifies as a "chore", but ultimately I feel kind of out of balance still.

I suppose this means I've caught up on my rest, which is already evident by how easily I can stay up 'til the wee hours and still roll out of bed just after the crack of dawn. Seems I've exchanged the imbalance to: too much rest and not enough work. I seriously may take up running just because at least I might manage to feel exhausted one day. There's something about being seriously worn out that is sometimes really pleasant.

Funny how things work. When I left my job I made a few deadlines for myself and put them on my calendar. The first was when I wanted to be finished with things that needed immediate attention like the dentist and the mechanic, I was going to get it all out of the way in the first week so that I could then move on to relaxing. What I referred to as my "unemployment honeymoon" during which the only rule was to not worry about or try to decide what I would do next. It sort of worked out a little as I did get a lot done that first week.

But the second week I got really sick -which isn't very good for a honeymoon, and the things that need immediate attention (Hello, City of Pasadena Parking contacting me for the first time three years after the ticket was issued!) keep coming up. So here I am crossing the honeymoon deadline into the "let's get down to business" period (aka: the rest of my life) and I'm already in the next sub-phase, which is "feeling concerned about why I haven't already lined up three jobs and turned down two while still trying to keep a calm, rational position about the whole thing". That's a big one and I don't want to get there too soon and definitely not yet.

I'm already cracking into my "last resort" options and reminding myself not to get trapped in the comfort of something that doesn't make me happy. Notice I didn't say "something that makes me unhappy", I'm specifying that I have decided to be that particular. It has to make me happy, doesn't have to be my whole life but it does have to make me happy. It's the only way to live. (Typo was: "only way to love", which is also true.)

Fortunately I saw that there was some Mercury/Neptune thing happening today which often does mean I feel deluded in a bad way: things that are good for me seem to fail or disappear, things that are bad really stand out suddenly. Fortunately, Neptune leaves Aquarius really soon now and here's the promise that's been made to me: all the fog is gone and it's stripped away everything that is dead and leaves only the gold. Isn't that a beautiful promise? I can't f*cking wait.

Ultimately, I am simply reengineering my plan as I go along because unless you can see the future, plans must be flexible. And I'm learning that even living pretty low key can take a lot of effort the more self reliant you are. It's just another adjustment.

Fortunately I also got a free sample reading by the amazing Denise Dee today which sounded so crazily dead on but bizarre, and totally my life and, somewhat unfortunately, produces a vision in my head that is so washed out by bright light that I can't see the details -much like a few dreams I've had recently. Leaving me now on the fence between feeling sooo much better and feeling a little overwhelmed by the uncertainty. It's been one of those days.   

Food Swap?!

Likely because it makes me feel I've accomplished something that day and as I'm currently between jobs I have to find a way, I've been baking a lot lately. It's sort of a catch 22, though, as I don't like to eat a lot of sugar but I love to bake pastries. Furthermore, it costs money. It even inspired me to apply for a bakery job which, sadly, seems to have been filled in the blink of an eye.

So today I received an email from a nearby shop announcing a food swap event. For this event you can bring  baked goods, produce from your garden, etc. I'm not even sure -it almost sounds like you could clean out your canned goods and bring them down to swap. The idea then is that you can trade your 'goods' for other peoples and come away with some.... food. Honestly, I'm not totally interested in this as I don't imagine there'd be much to get excited about. As I said before, I try not to eat a lot of sugar so if other people show up with baked offerings, as well, I'm just trading mine for theirs. Or perhaps I'll have the option of a can of beans or something. Ultimately, it's not sounding that exciting.

At the same time I believe that the universe is mysterious and intelligent and provides us strange opportunities for a reason. Is this a chance for me to let people sample my baking and, perhaps, lead me to someone who can give me a job? Would a more direct approach simply be for me to have my own little bake sale? It's a conundrum. What to do?

I took a three and a half hour tango class today. It was amazing. We did a lot of switching roles: men and women interchangeably leading and following. It was interesting to have the perspective of the leader. You have to watch where you're going and not run your partner into other dancers or walls. You have to make your movements with very clear and assertive intention so that your partner knows what you want them to do but gently enough so as not to overwhelm and, I would add, agreeably -which is a fine area and I think comes mostly from a persons nature. This would be why we like to dance with certain partners more or less than others.

I much prefer following. It's an amazing feeling allowing someone to blindly guide you around and just focus on sensing their intentions, synching your movements with theirs and making pretty shapes with the way you move. I seem to be quite good at surrendering, but again, it takes the right leader.

At the end of the class another woman said that what she felt was most a challenge was finding the momentum to lead well. I had to agree, she expressed it spot on. And I think it's interesting considering this is something I've noticed about myself previously (and posted here): momentum can be challenging. I worked really hard on it today and besides having an amazing time dancing, interesting having a chance to practice feeling my momentum. Good practice.

New Moon in Pisces