Last night I dreamed of driving with the sun strong in my eyes, walking along a canal up to a closed gate alongside a man who was swathed in clothes and turban and veils -not walking with me, just near- who then unwrapped the veil from his face and smiled at me. When I reached the closed gate which was about as tall as a house and had gatekeepers, I asked to come in and they swung open the door. All this seems pretty obviously to represent to me traveling into the unknown without fear or apprehension and finding my way easily.

It's the night before my birthday which happens also to be the day that marks the half way point between the Winter solstice and the Spring equinox. Our modern Groundhog Day is the silly-ed up version of an ancient holiday called Imbolc or Candlemas (I refer Candlemas, so pretty). In honor of the coinciding occasions I'm going to be building a little altar or two in my house to honor the coming of spring. I read up on the tradition today and am trying to promise myself I'll be up in the wee hours to go to the flower market in downtown L.A. It's something I've always wanted to do but without a good reason it's hard to get motivated.
This is an especially important birthday for me, though, it is both number 35 and also the birthday that happens to coincide with yet a THIRD event. I've just quit my job of thirteen (or fourteen? still haven't done the math) years in order to pursue happiness. It isn't something I had been planning for but when I realized it everything seemed to turn around for the best and opportunities have been popping up from out of the blue, as they do when you're suddenly making "the right" decisions.
All of this has brought me to a realization that would, perhaps, be bittersweet if I'd been living my life differently and there are a number of people who I hope don't read this and realize what it would mean to the way they've been living their own lives.
First off, another thing I came across just yesterday was a small article about the Black Keys. It seems that neither of them were very good musicians to start and both were a little reluctant to start making music. Encouraged by each of their brothers they got together to start playing around. During their first (or one of their first?) practices they recorded a six song demo on a four track and were immediately signed to a label. How's that for fated?
This is kind of the realization I had. Many of us work on something our entire lives wishing and hoping for years and years that our work will be successful and recognized. I used to think this was a great way to live: do the things that make you happy along with the things that you must do to survive and everything will work out in the end or at the very least you will have lived a happy life -which is really the same thing. But I think I may have to adjust that theory as I am beginning to believe this: if it's hard, if it ever feels like a struggle, if it's not going where you wish it would go.... maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe it's when you give up on a dream or a goal and you open yourself up to the possibility of just about anything else that what you're meant to do appears? Much as people seem to want to be allowed to decide what will make them happiest I'm starting to think it's when you don't decide, don't try, that what will make you happiest simply happens. Oh, and you absolutely cannot be afraid. Fear will ruin anything and everything.
So yes, tomorrow I turn 35. The day after is the last day at my job. I have nothing lined up yet but I do have a lead and a few ideas and a very good (and brave) attitude about the whole thing. I am one hundred percent certain that this is the best decision I have ever made and that it will be the best year of my life yet and that by next year this time EVERYTHING will have changed completely and I will be ecstatic.

I read in one of the Dalai Lama's speeches that the Buddha says that while compassion and love are the only way, if you should encounter a "madman", kill him. Kind of a no tolerance policy for those clearly capable of crimes against humanity-never put yourself foolishly at risk by offering compassion to someone who aims to harm you. This has already been stuck in my head lately as I just quit my job and feel as if, in a way, I killed a madman. Quitting my job is at once an ecstatic revelation of freedom and also so bizarrely foreign to me that it has thrown me into my head a lot lately. It's hard not to be constantly plotting what needs to be done in the future and nearly impossible to maintain a carefree attitude while doing so.
This afternoon, in an attempt to give myself a much deserved break from reality, I went to see Black Swan. I have to say I was pretty unimpressed through most of it, although the bloody effects were certainly cringe worthy but not something I look for in a movie Realized that most of the rave reviews were from men who were probably so, um, altered by the sex scenes that they're overall perception was prejudiced. I can't help but be annoyed when something that isn't very good is successful based on heavy sexual elements that don't even appeal to my gender. Anyway. I did enjoy the movie overall, I got what it was trying to express, I just thought it could have been done even better. But for some reason it's at the end when -oh wait, I don't want to ruin it for anyone- anyway, at the end Natalie Portman's character Nina kills the madman and just for a second I was fooled about who the madman actually was. I was sure I knew the whole time and then it all changed and then it changed back again and I really liked it for whatever reason. I think everyone's capable of that and maybe that's the other reason that people are finding it so appealing. It's darkly relatable.

  

I've got a secret that's going to be a surprise that's going to start a revolution.

In 2011....