a-HA!

Every so often these days I've been thinking, "What's happened to me?" I've been feeling a little lackluster in self expression of all kinds lately. I figured I was just depressed again because I so often seem to be without even realizing it. (sigh...) Or that it was the change of season and the cold weather is slowing me down. But I just was reminded that Uranus has been retrograde and is about to go direct! Voila. Not only is it my ruling planet but it also happens to be in the area of my chart which is all about self expression and communication. Duh! How did I miss that?

Wow, week three of wild dreams and last nights was the wildest (and happily, the first that I actually kind of enjoyed). In cleaning out my house I came across three chunks of quart crystal that I've had since childhood (yes, I've always been part hippie) and last night I stuck the largest one under my pillow, hoping for a little balance. I think this was the most intense dream night yet.
Starts with a bunch of weirdness: driving a car inside a building, trying to make my way out. Lot's of weirdness, such as coming upon a room (the last to navigate to get outdoors) full of people (who seemed to be friends) sleeping on the floor with lot's of white sheets, not even a path through them to walk. Trying to navigate the car through doorways -good lord!
Driving cars has come up a few times in recent dreams, always with some issue such as the car stalling and refusing to be started again. Each time I feel calm and determined, get out and try to figure the best way to keep going. Much as a smooth driving with no issues dream would be better, dreams do reflect real life and definitely I have felt some challenges to my progress lately and have had a calm and positive attitude and been looking for ways to go on nonetheless.
But the middle part was exceptional. I saw colored images appear on my arms. Sort of like tattoo's but they weren't tattoo's and they would appear and then fade out and then new ones would appear. Sometimes letters, mostly images. I noticed and showed my parents and then we watched as they changed and tried to decipher what it all was. I remember feeling vaguely nervous that these images my body was generating would tell something about me that I felt was private but I let the feeling go and just watched. Wish I could remember all the things I saw on my arms but in the dream none of them struck me as particularly revealing to me in any way. Either way: very interesting.
Last bit seemed to be my birthday and a boyfriend (didn't look like any I've had or any I'd like to have) giving me a gift, standing with his arms around me. I didn't feel that I really liked him or was happy or excited to be with him, just felt kind of flat. The gift he gave me was something that he would have liked, not for me at all, and I recognized this immediately. This was very reminiscent of a real life boyfriend who once gave me a few gifts for Christmas which were things that he really wanted and was excited about but which had nothing to do with any of my own interests or desires. Yes, that really happened.
All this dreaming is an effect of the current astro, I've been told I can enjoy this trend through the end of the year... Not sure how I feel about it but am trying each night to tell myself as I fall asleep, "If I must dream, dream better! Dream of what I want to come true!"

There's a sign on a building that I used to pass on my long drive to work that says simply "WE MAKE". I love that sign. It's so vague and specific. Plus I love to make things, too, and I hate to be tied down to one thing (although I am loving hair enough to not mind the idea of being tied to it for a while). But I imagine that with a sign like that you could change your purpose every day if you wanted to. One day you could make furniture, the next day you could make baked goods, the day after that you could make jewelry, and the day after that you could make violins -you see? The possibilities are endless and endless possibilities are my favorite thing.

Eclipse: Coming Out of the Shadow

Alright it's eclipse day!
I just read a facebook post of an astrologer/channel I really like who asked where we are in out own shadows and where or in what ways are we afraid of eclipsing someone else. Wow! What a thing to say...
Strangely, it was just what I needed to hear. For many years I dealt with the fear of eclipsing others. I grew up with some very competitive women and found that in my teens and early adult years I was still repeating those relationships, ones in which it felt dangerous to be myself for fear of what would happen if I were to outshine someone close to me. I finally recognized all this a while back and coming out of that cave was pretty difficult -more so for those around me, it seemed.
Much of what I learned then is still fresh enough that I'm still conscious of it most of the time whether or not I want to be. I remember the distinct feeling of strength and freedom that came with every difficult situation I encountered during that time. The ones that challenged me to represent myself honestly rather than folding in for fear of (somehow) devastating someone else. In truth, I doubt I "devastated" anyone and certainly the most damage incurred was to me in the period of time where I was folding in. For years since I've been reviewing my earlier relationships and seeing all the ways I missed out or lost something trying to be delicate with people who wanted all the light for themselves.
Since things have calmed down and I haven't been challenged on a daily basis (for a while there it was non-stop, forcing me to grow into my full self) there have been times when I've wondered if I've maintained or regressed or progressed. It's become hard to tell as I've moved along. I'll definitely be thinking about this for the next few days: where might I be folding in rather than shining out? In what ways can I strengthen myself?
Stay tuned for another eclipse themed photo montage.

Positive Thursday

So here is my positive of the week (not that I'm regular about it or anything) in honor of Thanksgiving.

Yesterday I got to assist in a salon in Beverly Hills for the day. Everyone was super nice and appreciative. I learned a few great new techniques and got that lovely feeling of finding creative minds that agree with my own creative sensibilities. And that other lovely feeling that I was surrounded by kindness and happiness.
Starting today I have six days off in a row.
This week I've booked three appointments for haircuts in my free time.
Last night I had an awesome dream with messages that I am in fact growing. This was especially great as for the last week and a half or so I've had weird uninspiring dreams every single night.
The weather has been lovely and I realized after this last rain that this is the first year living in my apartment (11 total) that I haven't had a massive leak problem due to either the rain (mostly) or upstairs neighbors pipes (a couple times -in case I was feeling too nonchalant about how dry my kitchen was).
I'm incredibly thankful that this past year has afforded me the opportunity to start over again in many ways. It's a lasting gift.
In relation to that I'm very thankful for all the people who have supported these changes in all the many ways that they have.

Warpaint - Ashes To Ashes (David Bowie Cover)

Today was one of those days when none of my clothes feel right on my body. Like everything got a little shorter and a little tighter in all the wrong places. You feel me, ladies? Yeah.
I was riding in the car with my neighbor and the sun was too much in my eyes. I was telling her about the eclipses coming up because she's a Gemini. I explained that it's supposed to be a really great year for her. She said, "I could use a good one!" then she said, "Seems like you could use a good one even more."
Sometimes when people are empathetic it makes me want to cry. All this time I've been feeling like this was such a better year than I've had in I can't even remember how long. I like to try to keep happy. How many options are there? Be happy or don't be happy. But it's true. Nobody's been waiting for a good year as long as I have. And now I want to cry.
Earlier today a girl in my class burst into tears talking about the less than perfect haircut she gave her mom last night. She was devastated that it had gone so poorly (she felt -I saw a photo: it wasn't that bad at all), she felt like she should just give up the whole idea of doing hair as a career. She's the same age as me and the more I've gotten to know about her the more I've felt like she's had the life I always thought I wanted when I was younger: traveled a lot, worked as a dancer for a long time, went to fashion school, had her own shop, married and in love with a gorgeous guy, has a spunky and beautiful little girl.
I don't know what to make of all this.

"I wait for the lion."

I can't remember the last time I pulled a page from a magazine and put it up on my bedroom wall but a few months back I did. A black and white Valentino ad, the model wearing her hair in a center part, something gauzy with a lot of details, long sleeved and short skirted and a fluffy fur vest. There's something about the whole look of it that I related to, wish I could've found it online to share. Anyway.
I've been obsessed with finding a fake rabbit jacket for years and years. A few years back I had a white hooded one that was passable for a short while, though never had the full effect. I still wear it sometimes even though it's in sorry shape: dingy, matted and a poor job by my local dry clean and repair replacing the zipper. I've been in the lookout for a new one for a while now without much hope as I've never seen one made of fake fur that looked anything like what I really wanted. I don't even know where I got the idea that there might be one out there somewhere. I've seen girls wearing real fur vintage ones but I just can't bring myself to even touch fur that isn't attached to something living.
Today was my lucky day. I often (it's shameful just how often, in fact) peruse the website of a cheap trendy clothing store. They've got mostly loads of tacky stuff but every so often they make something really great. (Can you guess who I'm talking about?) Recently I found a new white jacket -better than my last but with a horrible placket of brass snaps up the front. I thought about buying it but I couldn't quite bring myself to settle. I've been eyeing it every so often but the more I looked at it the uglier the snaps looked. But today, as I was saying, I went on and there in the new arrivals area was my fake rabbit jacket. It's awesome. Not what I'd envisioned it would be, but nothing ever is. And it's on it's way to me now.
My fake rabbit jacket is like nearly everything in life: you can take the first thing that comes your way or you can wait for what you really want.

Preparing for the Eclipse

Christmas season is very dangerous for me. Every year when I go out to shop for gifts I seem to suddenly find a million things that I love for me and it's always hard to not cave in and buy myself a few presents. Last year when I visited my favorite shop I found a bowl of gorgeous crystals. Translucent pink -a little ecru-ish, very pretty. As they were mostly less than $10 and I was desperately attracted to them I allowed myself one. The owner of the store told me that they were called nirvana quartz but he didn't know what properties they had -as all crystals have some kind of energy and spiritual property associated with them. I came home and searched the internet and found that they came from the Himalayan mountains in India. What I read about it's properties was that this crystal has a mission to help us realize not yet formed potential of what we can be, that they can be conduits for profound inner illumination and awakening, they bring deep peace and can assist in achieving one's destiny. 
I started to carry the crystal in my pocket every day. I had it with me when I decided to quit my job -shortly after the holidays, on the day I resigned from my job and probably on my last day, as well. I had it with me when I went to court (both times) to appeal for unemployment benefits. I have it with me nearly every day. A few times I've thought I lost it and made peace with the possibility as I believe it came into my life to give me strength to make these huge changes and that if it should disappear it is somehow also meant to be and I'll be alright on my own. But each time I find it, usually tucked in that tiny pocket in a pair of jeans I thought I'd checked a hundred times.
I thought a lot about having it made into a necklace but wasn't sure I was up for wearing a chunk of crystal around my neck as a "look". Not that they aren't beautiful, I just like to keep my spiritual matters to myself rather than turn them into fashion statements. Recently I saw a photo of a necklace that made me think about it again. It was a crystal that was wrapped in a net of wire, if I recall. Very pretty. And it gave me an idea that I finally got around to making today. It's not perfect and I'm not sure I won't try to do it again, but here are a couple photo's of the work in progress so you can see my technique and imagine how long that took and how blind I am from threading those tiny links.

And the initial results!

I've since turned it on it's end and overall it's still a sloppy job. The fine wire I used to join the chain links into a net has ends sticking out everywhere stabbing me, I need to think of a new way to do this....

Taurus Full Moon