Ok, even thought I know I was obsessive about Neptune moving out of Aquarius last spring. And even though I know that I wrote here that I wasn't even really sure of what the difference was, just a little while after it happened. It will be happening again once and for all the day after my upcoming birthday. Yay! And I will obsess and celebrate and be unimpressed all over again because I do know that these last months of the last bit of it's stay in Aquarius I have noticed it often. The count down's on.

Beth Gibbons & Rustin Man - Tom The Model

Dang!
I've been having this weird pain between my shoulder blades for a couple weeks now, at least. It started out as this dull shooting/spreading pain that would happen sometimes for no apparent reason. Then it started feeling like stored up stress pain. Now it feels like a constant tightness pain that I can't stretch out. It honestly makes no sense at all.
Until now.
It just occurred to me to wonder if there was some kind of particular pressure point there, something like that. For whatever reason I felt inspired to google chakra's and guess what I found:

"Shoulder Blade Chakra: As described in Taoism, the Gai Pe center is located between the fifth and sixth thoracic vertebrae, between the shoulder-blades and opposite the heart chakra. This is a region of hot (yang) energy pertaining to the will. This centre also works with the heart chakra in the front of the body to activate happiness, peace, love and joy [Chia, p.210]."
"Blocked: You lack will-power and motivation; you have a fear of life and cannot put your heart into actions [Paulson, p.70]. You feel burdened, hopeless, and full of melancholy [Chia, p.211], and sometimes even lack the will to live [Paulson, p.70]."

Holy crap if that doesn't (more or less) describe my mood lately.

I'm Confused....

Sad face. Of all the confirmation pop up windows to ignore, sigh. I didn't notice that when I deleted the album of my blogger images from Google+ (why were they even there?!) it deleted them from here too and it's irreversible. Ugh. Starting from scratch -imagery wise.

Last nights dream was odd and interesting but not in the way that anyone else might think so -no horses with floppy steering wheels growing out of their backs. Either way, I can't resist writing a little about it because one of the things that stood out in the dream was a little monkey emerging from the cushions of the couch I was sitting on. As I already said, everything surrounding this happening isn't particularly fascinating but as it is only one of two things in the dream that really stood out and that I remembered just now at the other end of the day I thought I'd look it up.
Overall monkey's have really amazing symbolism and a hell of a lot of it -four full pages in my dictionary. And if it all isn't enough, at the very end of of the entry it says:
"Dreams of monkeys are primeval calls towards development of the personality along lines which are at one and the same time varied yet strictly bound up with nature."

By the way, in last nights dream I rode a bicycle instead of driving a car. This is awesome as, from what I understand, driving a car is about how much control, or lack of, you feel you have over your life whereas riding a bicycle is about balance and forward motion created solely by the rider.

“Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.” –Yoda

I think this is exactly how I've been feeling lately.
It seems that these days the popular thing to tell people when they're in times of extreme change (or times when they want extreme change but nothing seems to be changing) is to envision the future they want. I've been (trying) to do this for what now feels like a hundred years. And the problem is what Yoda says above. To one day think of what you'd like to see in the next days -unaware of all the surprises of real life and how they will change what it is you want to see.... How can you ever be sure what you'll want by the time you get there? I'm constantly torn between how to get to what I want and being happy with what I have. As soon as I start to focus on one I lose the other. Once I lose the other, I generally lose them both and slip into a vague spiral. One of these days I'll come back into focus and start over again. Maybe one of those sudden random but profound changes will come up so that I can start from the top again.

I've been on a homemade skin care bender for a while now. First I was experimenting with different oils: jojoba for cleansing and balancing oil production, coconut for moisture, then on to almond and avocado for either or both. I tried a bunch of different essential oils, too, all with various qualities for various issues. Some seemed to work, others likely would have worked better if I'd bother to keep up with refilling those tiny bottles.
These days I've been all about honey. Honey for cleansing (after removing my make up with oil), honey for a mask, honey with brown sugar for a scrub. I've worked with variations including nutmeg, milk and ground up oatmeal but I finally got really adventurous and cooked up a mask.
Steamed carrots pureed, avocado pureed, ground oatmeal, milk and honey. I used it one night last week fresh and the next morning my skin looked amazing. Seriously. I put the rest of it in a jar in the fridge and am using it again tonight for the second time. I'm hoping that the less-fresh-ness isn't going to be an issue results wise but let me tell you, it doesn't smell quite the same. It didn't smell great the first time -kind of like baby food- and it certainly isn't rotten smelling but it doesn't smell great....

a-HA!

Every so often these days I've been thinking, "What's happened to me?" I've been feeling a little lackluster in self expression of all kinds lately. I figured I was just depressed again because I so often seem to be without even realizing it. (sigh...) Or that it was the change of season and the cold weather is slowing me down. But I just was reminded that Uranus has been retrograde and is about to go direct! Voila. Not only is it my ruling planet but it also happens to be in the area of my chart which is all about self expression and communication. Duh! How did I miss that?

Wow, week three of wild dreams and last nights was the wildest (and happily, the first that I actually kind of enjoyed). In cleaning out my house I came across three chunks of quart crystal that I've had since childhood (yes, I've always been part hippie) and last night I stuck the largest one under my pillow, hoping for a little balance. I think this was the most intense dream night yet.
Starts with a bunch of weirdness: driving a car inside a building, trying to make my way out. Lot's of weirdness, such as coming upon a room (the last to navigate to get outdoors) full of people (who seemed to be friends) sleeping on the floor with lot's of white sheets, not even a path through them to walk. Trying to navigate the car through doorways -good lord!
Driving cars has come up a few times in recent dreams, always with some issue such as the car stalling and refusing to be started again. Each time I feel calm and determined, get out and try to figure the best way to keep going. Much as a smooth driving with no issues dream would be better, dreams do reflect real life and definitely I have felt some challenges to my progress lately and have had a calm and positive attitude and been looking for ways to go on nonetheless.
But the middle part was exceptional. I saw colored images appear on my arms. Sort of like tattoo's but they weren't tattoo's and they would appear and then fade out and then new ones would appear. Sometimes letters, mostly images. I noticed and showed my parents and then we watched as they changed and tried to decipher what it all was. I remember feeling vaguely nervous that these images my body was generating would tell something about me that I felt was private but I let the feeling go and just watched. Wish I could remember all the things I saw on my arms but in the dream none of them struck me as particularly revealing to me in any way. Either way: very interesting.
Last bit seemed to be my birthday and a boyfriend (didn't look like any I've had or any I'd like to have) giving me a gift, standing with his arms around me. I didn't feel that I really liked him or was happy or excited to be with him, just felt kind of flat. The gift he gave me was something that he would have liked, not for me at all, and I recognized this immediately. This was very reminiscent of a real life boyfriend who once gave me a few gifts for Christmas which were things that he really wanted and was excited about but which had nothing to do with any of my own interests or desires. Yes, that really happened.
All this dreaming is an effect of the current astro, I've been told I can enjoy this trend through the end of the year... Not sure how I feel about it but am trying each night to tell myself as I fall asleep, "If I must dream, dream better! Dream of what I want to come true!"

There's a sign on a building that I used to pass on my long drive to work that says simply "WE MAKE". I love that sign. It's so vague and specific. Plus I love to make things, too, and I hate to be tied down to one thing (although I am loving hair enough to not mind the idea of being tied to it for a while). But I imagine that with a sign like that you could change your purpose every day if you wanted to. One day you could make furniture, the next day you could make baked goods, the day after that you could make jewelry, and the day after that you could make violins -you see? The possibilities are endless and endless possibilities are my favorite thing.

Eclipse: Coming Out of the Shadow

Alright it's eclipse day!
I just read a facebook post of an astrologer/channel I really like who asked where we are in out own shadows and where or in what ways are we afraid of eclipsing someone else. Wow! What a thing to say...
Strangely, it was just what I needed to hear. For many years I dealt with the fear of eclipsing others. I grew up with some very competitive women and found that in my teens and early adult years I was still repeating those relationships, ones in which it felt dangerous to be myself for fear of what would happen if I were to outshine someone close to me. I finally recognized all this a while back and coming out of that cave was pretty difficult -more so for those around me, it seemed.
Much of what I learned then is still fresh enough that I'm still conscious of it most of the time whether or not I want to be. I remember the distinct feeling of strength and freedom that came with every difficult situation I encountered during that time. The ones that challenged me to represent myself honestly rather than folding in for fear of (somehow) devastating someone else. In truth, I doubt I "devastated" anyone and certainly the most damage incurred was to me in the period of time where I was folding in. For years since I've been reviewing my earlier relationships and seeing all the ways I missed out or lost something trying to be delicate with people who wanted all the light for themselves.
Since things have calmed down and I haven't been challenged on a daily basis (for a while there it was non-stop, forcing me to grow into my full self) there have been times when I've wondered if I've maintained or regressed or progressed. It's become hard to tell as I've moved along. I'll definitely be thinking about this for the next few days: where might I be folding in rather than shining out? In what ways can I strengthen myself?
Stay tuned for another eclipse themed photo montage.

Positive Thursday

So here is my positive of the week (not that I'm regular about it or anything) in honor of Thanksgiving.

Yesterday I got to assist in a salon in Beverly Hills for the day. Everyone was super nice and appreciative. I learned a few great new techniques and got that lovely feeling of finding creative minds that agree with my own creative sensibilities. And that other lovely feeling that I was surrounded by kindness and happiness.
Starting today I have six days off in a row.
This week I've booked three appointments for haircuts in my free time.
Last night I had an awesome dream with messages that I am in fact growing. This was especially great as for the last week and a half or so I've had weird uninspiring dreams every single night.
The weather has been lovely and I realized after this last rain that this is the first year living in my apartment (11 total) that I haven't had a massive leak problem due to either the rain (mostly) or upstairs neighbors pipes (a couple times -in case I was feeling too nonchalant about how dry my kitchen was).
I'm incredibly thankful that this past year has afforded me the opportunity to start over again in many ways. It's a lasting gift.
In relation to that I'm very thankful for all the people who have supported these changes in all the many ways that they have.

Warpaint - Ashes To Ashes (David Bowie Cover)

Today was one of those days when none of my clothes feel right on my body. Like everything got a little shorter and a little tighter in all the wrong places. You feel me, ladies? Yeah.
I was riding in the car with my neighbor and the sun was too much in my eyes. I was telling her about the eclipses coming up because she's a Gemini. I explained that it's supposed to be a really great year for her. She said, "I could use a good one!" then she said, "Seems like you could use a good one even more."
Sometimes when people are empathetic it makes me want to cry. All this time I've been feeling like this was such a better year than I've had in I can't even remember how long. I like to try to keep happy. How many options are there? Be happy or don't be happy. But it's true. Nobody's been waiting for a good year as long as I have. And now I want to cry.
Earlier today a girl in my class burst into tears talking about the less than perfect haircut she gave her mom last night. She was devastated that it had gone so poorly (she felt -I saw a photo: it wasn't that bad at all), she felt like she should just give up the whole idea of doing hair as a career. She's the same age as me and the more I've gotten to know about her the more I've felt like she's had the life I always thought I wanted when I was younger: traveled a lot, worked as a dancer for a long time, went to fashion school, had her own shop, married and in love with a gorgeous guy, has a spunky and beautiful little girl.
I don't know what to make of all this.

"I wait for the lion."

I can't remember the last time I pulled a page from a magazine and put it up on my bedroom wall but a few months back I did. A black and white Valentino ad, the model wearing her hair in a center part, something gauzy with a lot of details, long sleeved and short skirted and a fluffy fur vest. There's something about the whole look of it that I related to, wish I could've found it online to share. Anyway.
I've been obsessed with finding a fake rabbit jacket for years and years. A few years back I had a white hooded one that was passable for a short while, though never had the full effect. I still wear it sometimes even though it's in sorry shape: dingy, matted and a poor job by my local dry clean and repair replacing the zipper. I've been in the lookout for a new one for a while now without much hope as I've never seen one made of fake fur that looked anything like what I really wanted. I don't even know where I got the idea that there might be one out there somewhere. I've seen girls wearing real fur vintage ones but I just can't bring myself to even touch fur that isn't attached to something living.
Today was my lucky day. I often (it's shameful just how often, in fact) peruse the website of a cheap trendy clothing store. They've got mostly loads of tacky stuff but every so often they make something really great. (Can you guess who I'm talking about?) Recently I found a new white jacket -better than my last but with a horrible placket of brass snaps up the front. I thought about buying it but I couldn't quite bring myself to settle. I've been eyeing it every so often but the more I looked at it the uglier the snaps looked. But today, as I was saying, I went on and there in the new arrivals area was my fake rabbit jacket. It's awesome. Not what I'd envisioned it would be, but nothing ever is. And it's on it's way to me now.
My fake rabbit jacket is like nearly everything in life: you can take the first thing that comes your way or you can wait for what you really want.

Preparing for the Eclipse

Christmas season is very dangerous for me. Every year when I go out to shop for gifts I seem to suddenly find a million things that I love for me and it's always hard to not cave in and buy myself a few presents. Last year when I visited my favorite shop I found a bowl of gorgeous crystals. Translucent pink -a little ecru-ish, very pretty. As they were mostly less than $10 and I was desperately attracted to them I allowed myself one. The owner of the store told me that they were called nirvana quartz but he didn't know what properties they had -as all crystals have some kind of energy and spiritual property associated with them. I came home and searched the internet and found that they came from the Himalayan mountains in India. What I read about it's properties was that this crystal has a mission to help us realize not yet formed potential of what we can be, that they can be conduits for profound inner illumination and awakening, they bring deep peace and can assist in achieving one's destiny. 
I started to carry the crystal in my pocket every day. I had it with me when I decided to quit my job -shortly after the holidays, on the day I resigned from my job and probably on my last day, as well. I had it with me when I went to court (both times) to appeal for unemployment benefits. I have it with me nearly every day. A few times I've thought I lost it and made peace with the possibility as I believe it came into my life to give me strength to make these huge changes and that if it should disappear it is somehow also meant to be and I'll be alright on my own. But each time I find it, usually tucked in that tiny pocket in a pair of jeans I thought I'd checked a hundred times.
I thought a lot about having it made into a necklace but wasn't sure I was up for wearing a chunk of crystal around my neck as a "look". Not that they aren't beautiful, I just like to keep my spiritual matters to myself rather than turn them into fashion statements. Recently I saw a photo of a necklace that made me think about it again. It was a crystal that was wrapped in a net of wire, if I recall. Very pretty. And it gave me an idea that I finally got around to making today. It's not perfect and I'm not sure I won't try to do it again, but here are a couple photo's of the work in progress so you can see my technique and imagine how long that took and how blind I am from threading those tiny links.

And the initial results!

I've since turned it on it's end and overall it's still a sloppy job. The fine wire I used to join the chain links into a net has ends sticking out everywhere stabbing me, I need to think of a new way to do this....

Taurus Full Moon

I've always admired people who have large and diverse wardrobes full of great vintage and designer pieces. I personally can't stand clutter and usually clean out my closet pretty regularly -donating the dull bits and selling the good stuff for a few measly bucks to any of a handful of resale stores. Last month I sold a pair of J Brand jeans to Buffalo Exchange for, I think, $8. That really hurt. Those things were $90 at the secret discount designer denim store. But when I bought them the girl convinced me to buy the smaller of the two sizes I'd tried on. "Won't they shrink a little?" I asked, knowing the answer already. "Not much. Look how great the fit is!" She said. I should have stuck with my instincts. I'm quite thin but at the time I bought them I was thinner than I should ever be again (thank you stress!) and a year later they were ridiculously tight. So tight they made my back hurt, in fact, and I just couldn't wear them anymore.
When I hang onto to things too long (outside of favorites that I can wear for yard work or something) I start to feel like a hoarder. Even beautiful vintage pieces I eventually have to let go of. But these days, what with scraping by as I pay for school, tools and search for a new job to build a new career, the sting of $8 for a pair of jeans that originally retailed for nearly $200 is brutal (unless you're on the other side of it, in which case: yipee!). You can visit my closet clean out, school financing efforts at Booboo Kitten Vintage (when I don't have any idea, I just name things after my pets).

I promised myself I'd start going out more often, specifically to see art. My goal is for at least one art outing per week and tonight was the first. I chose a show that was listed in a weekly "must see" type newsletter and also in a local weekly newspaper. I knew there were a few other galleries in the immediate area also having openings tonight so I figured even if the one show wasn't super satisfying there'd be at least a few others I could check out, too.
Today was, I swear, challenging me to stay home and watch movies with the pups. A busy afternoon, a haircut at four across town in one direction (my house in the middle) and the gallery openings at 6 across town in the other direction. Every time I got on the freeway it was all people driving cray vs. people driving slow as hell (sometimes I feel like that's a sign telling me to stay home and off the road).
I got home at 6. Fed the pups and changed my clothes up a little for my outing. I figured even if I was somehow too late I'd be happier with myself for making the effort than I would if I caved in and put on the fuzzy slippers and the movie I borrowed from the library.
I was planning to see what looked like a beautiful show of photographs but when I was looking for parking I saw that a gallery across the street was open too and something about it was calling me. I parked and headed over there first and (lucky, lucky me) it was an exhibit of Jeremy Fish and Kenichi Yokono. I hadn't even seen the opening listed. I'm not much for describing art, I think we all need to see it for ourselves, but I rustled up a few images for you of pieces that weren't in the show tonight (wish my camera would share photo's with me but at the moment it's not).

top three: Jeremy Fish

these two: Kenichi Yokono

After making a few rounds there I wandered back across the street to see the photo's I'd originally been heading for. They were beautiful and even looked like film photo's, which was a relief. Digital can be beautiful too but it's just not the same. 

All in all a great outing and mission accomplished! I head home stopping by the grocery for homemade mac and cheese ingredients and am now fuzzy slippered, baking and heading to the couch for a movie and the company of my (fairly) patient pups.

I have my own special thing about weather. For one thing I love it. I love how it can change from one day to the next, I love how it can change my mood. I just plain love it. Sometimes, however, I get a little sad when a season ends before I feel like I've had my fill and usually the season I get most upset about losing is summer. I'm sure this is connected to childhood when the end of summer meant back to school and routine, no more vacation, no more roller skating all day, no more swimming. What's funny is that when I was a kid I didn't really like summer weather, I much preferred winter, but the last few years I've felt really attached to summer (helps that I live on the other side of the hills now where the climate is a little better). The long days you can get so much done in, starting yard work at six in the evening, and all that sunshine makes me really happy.

At the start of this season I wasn't ready for summer to end (as usual) but as I began to notice the difference in light, how all day the sun is never as bright as it was in summer -how did this never seem so obvious to me before? And I began to shift into a warmer wardrobe and change my schedule just a little, enjoyed evening walks that felt very late because they were very dark and I realized how much I'm loving this season. Maybe it's because I woke up to beautiful plinking rain but suddenly baking and reading in bed sound like a fabulous time again.

Tonight is the eve of the new moon in Scorpio, the sign of transformation. And I'm letting go of all the past bits that have been haunting me all summer and into the fall. I'm ready for brand newness.

Azelia Banks 212

Betty Davis - Anti Love Song (1973) [www.keepvid.com].mp4

sta·sis/ˈstāsis/

1. a period or state of inactivity or equilibrium

2. a stoppage of flow

3. motionless

It Happened Today

In case I haven't mentioned it before, I have a huge aversion to defining and planning. I like to live free and loose, let come what may. At the rare times in life when I have felt a plan was required I've always noticed that it has to be changed, has to be flexible, even has to be abandoned. The times in my life which were most successful have been unplanned. I've found it's best to just think of the desired outcome and let opportunities unroll before me.
This is not to say I haven't tried to be a more traditional planner. I certainly have, for most of my life I've been told this is the ONLY way. And what I've found is that I have never been able to achieve any success by following prescribed steps. It's only at the times when I've abandoned everything and just lived in which anything of significance has been achieved. And so finally I abandoned believing in planning too.
But people, oooh people. People will tell you you MUST. It is required, it is not optional. You must tell us exactly who you are, what you intend to do, the steps you will follow and the outcome you will achieve. And for some this works, I've seen it work. Sometimes it's successful, often it's anticlimactic. I find it dull and it fails me every time. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm going and the steps that will get me there haven't yet been revealed. But I know that each time I've needed and I have said what I needed, it's found a way into my life. And I've found that those things which I thought I needed most, and which found their ways into my life via the hardest of work, were the most disappointing. And so now there is no longer any thing that is so monumental, which feels so unattainable that I cannot have them simply by expressing a secret silent desire. A signal.
And this is how I will live forever.

from Moon to Moon

A couple times now I've heard that if you're feeling stuck you should move (I think it's) 17 items in your house, most effective if you remove 17 items from your house apparently. It's some kind of feng shui cure or something and I can't remember the actual number, maybe it's 27 actually. Anyway, not the point. I'm lousy at doing things perfectly or because I'm supposed to. When I first heard this I asked if it counts if I move these items because I'm cleaning and put them back in the same place, does this work? The answer was yes. Even so, as I said, I'm lousy at following these assignments. I have always noticed, however, that if I'm feeling icky and I clean my house I feel a hell of a lot better. I don't know if it's just because everything looks a lot nicer (I tend to let things go and I'm somewhat untidy by nature) or if it's because I moved a bunch of crap. I'm betting it's some combination of both and this evening I'm reaping the benefits once again.
If you'll jaunt over to my astro blog sometime in the next few days I will hopefully have finished the story of my attempt at internet dating which somehow left me feeling like crap for no apparent reason (it's not finished because I have to re-research the relevant astro that I already knew and forgot -ps: I just read part of an article in Vogue this evening that's making me wonder if I have ADHD. Seriously.) What was I saying?! Oh right. I also finally got it together today to do some of the cleaning I've been putting off all week. Why is it that I find it so hard to take care of my home stuff (cleaning, gardening, etc.) when I have a job/school? And now with my surprise week long vacation I'd planned to be far more productive than I have been (although there was some last minute work and a surprise tire emergency to tend so I'm not entirely to blame). Anyway! I finally got around to putting all my herbal formula's (I've got my own personal holistic pharmacy it seems) away in the cupboard rather than cluttering the cutting board as they have been for weeks, made room in said cupboard by tossing my empties, mopped floors, put over a months worth of free weekly newspapers into the recycling, took out overflowing recycling bag, etc. I moved and removed a lot of stuff -I didn't count. But I feel a lot better (as I knew I would) and I can't decide if it's because I got it done and everything now looks a lot better or if there might be some weight to this feng shui cure. I feel like I can't possibly ever know. Maybe someone out there will have the discipline to move 27 objects at least one inch from their original resting spots without cleaning, tidying or removing and tell me if they feel any better after. I know I'll never get to it.

also from Moon to Moon

I'm kind of stuck on the inside lately and I saw on the news tonight that the first rain storm of the season is heading in. Earlier I saw a photo of a rainy street in New York on Elsa Bilgren's blog and it made me wish for some rain here so I'm going to take responsibility as if I'm manifesting the rain. It is one of my favorite things and usually washes away my internal chaos with it's fresh smell and gentle crashing sound. I'm also doused in sandalwood, ylang ylang and rose in hopes of clearing my head and bringing me out of it. I simply can't stand this any longer.

Was just looking back over the last few months and suddenly wondered to myself: what has become of my dream world?! I think partly it's suffering the real world. I'm no longer so totally on my own anymore which is in some ways a relief but in many ways it's not. I feel too grounded. Too realistic and earthly. What the hell!?! Perhaps I should try to take my astrologers advice more seriously and get into the habit of meditating every day.
On the positive side (because I must) my creative urges have left the house and are out in the world now, this is good. I am slowly, but surely, expanding. Maybe this shift has something to do with Neptune's return (because I'm hell bent on figuring that one out). Maybe this is just the natural progression, maybe I was living in my head more than I realized. Whatever it is I hope that it evens out to something a little dreamier soon because this real world is just a touch dull... (cue dreamy pictures!).