Friday, February 25, 2011

Fresh Starting

Hmmm, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Or at least the near future of my life. I've always had a little fantasy about being a baker and working through the wee hours. I'm not sure why, but what sounds better than a toasty kitchen full of baking smells? That alone sounds incredibly therapeutic. Plus I'm not in the least intimidated by baking. It absolutely baffles me when people are afraid they don't know how to cook or bake, it seems like something we would all inherently know -it's part of survival as far as I'm concerned. So I applied for a baker job today and here's hoping. I think I'd like to know that I actually had a chance to try it even if it doesn't turn out to be what I want to do forever.
For some reason I want to know that whatever I do next will have some kind of positive, meaningful impact on people. I think I've always wanted that in a job. It doesn't have to be profound, like firefighter. Just something.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Out of the ash 
I rise with my red hair
and I eat men like air.
                    -Sylvia Plath

Friday, February 11, 2011

“I want to reach people and express myself. You have to put up with the risk of being misunderstood if you are going to try to communicate. You have to put up with people projecting their own ideas, attitudes, misunderstanding on you. But it’s worth being a public fool if that’s all you can be in order to communicate yourself.” -Edie Sedgewick in Poor Little Rich Girl

Monday, February 7, 2011

Please Dream More

One of the hardest things that I have to realize over and over is that you can't help someone learn something they're not ready to learn. Over and over I find myself in situations where I'm listening to someone tell me their story and their dissatisfaction with their life and I try to say: It may not seem easy but all you really have to do is change your attitude about your life and watch how it changes your entire life. I know it's a hard concept to grasp. I know it's easier to tell than it is to do. But it really is just the way things work. If you focus on what you want to be rather than focusing on what seems to be presently, what you want to be will become what is. I just want to ask everyone to dream a little harder. With no sighing and resignation, dream like you're just planing your day and it will come true.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

To me on my 35th birthday....

"be not the slave of your own past. plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” - ralph waldo emerson

Last night I dreamed of driving with the sun strong in my eyes, walking along a canal up to a closed gate alongside a man who was swathed in clothes and turban and veils -not walking with me, just near- who then unwrapped the veil from his face and smiled at me. When I reached the closed gate which was about as tall as a house and had gatekeepers, I asked to come in and they swung open the door. All this seems pretty obviously to represent to me traveling into the unknown without fear or apprehension and finding my way easily.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It's the night before my birthday which happens also to be the day that marks the half way point between the Winter solstice and the Spring equinox. Our modern Groundhog Day is the silly-ed up version of an ancient holiday called Imbolc or Candlemas (I refer Candlemas, so pretty). In honor of the coinciding occasions I'm going to be building a little altar or two in my house to honor the coming of spring. I read up on the tradition today and am trying to promise myself I'll be up in the wee hours to go to the flower market in downtown L.A. It's something I've always wanted to do but without a good reason it's hard to get motivated.
This is an especially important birthday for me, though, it is both number 35 and also the birthday that happens to coincide with yet a THIRD event. I've just quit my job of thirteen (or fourteen? still haven't done the math) years in order to pursue happiness. It isn't something I had been planning for but when I realized it everything seemed to turn around for the best and opportunities have been popping up from out of the blue, as they do when you're suddenly making "the right" decisions.
All of this has brought me to a realization that would, perhaps, be bittersweet if I'd been living my life differently and there are a number of people who I hope don't read this and realize what it would mean to the way they've been living their own lives.
First off, another thing I came across just yesterday was a small article about the Black Keys. It seems that neither of them were very good musicians to start and both were a little reluctant to start making music. Encouraged by each of their brothers they got together to start playing around. During their first (or one of their first?) practices they recorded a six song demo on a four track and were immediately signed to a label. How's that for fated?
This is kind of the realization I had. Many of us work on something our entire lives wishing and hoping for years and years that our work will be successful and recognized. I used to think this was a great way to live: do the things that make you happy along with the things that you must do to survive and everything will work out in the end or at the very least you will have lived a happy life -which is really the same thing. But I think I may have to adjust that theory as I am beginning to believe this: if it's hard, if it ever feels like a struggle, if it's not going where you wish it would go.... maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe it's when you give up on a dream or a goal and you open yourself up to the possibility of just about anything else that what you're meant to do appears? Much as people seem to want to be allowed to decide what will make them happiest I'm starting to think it's when you don't decide, don't try, that what will make you happiest simply happens. Oh, and you absolutely cannot be afraid. Fear will ruin anything and everything.
So yes, tomorrow I turn 35. The day after is the last day at my job. I have nothing lined up yet but I do have a lead and a few ideas and a very good (and brave) attitude about the whole thing. I am one hundred percent certain that this is the best decision I have ever made and that it will be the best year of my life yet and that by next year this time EVERYTHING will have changed completely and I will be ecstatic.